Start of 2017 Denver Cosplay

I have gotten a few questions about why I changed the name of my blog from "The Key Geek" to "CosPlaying With My Food." Well, it was for a couple reasons. The Key Geek was the best I could come up with at the time, literally. Also, I was never really happy with it, but I could never figure out a title that fit me. I think this one will. I enjoy sewing and being creative. I am loving getting into Cosplay. I get to let out the kid that didn't get to dress up enough (or nerdy enough) for her tastes.

It is also pushing me to let me be myself, free of judgement. Oh not from the world. This is a blog. Someone, somewhere out there is going to point and laugh at a 30-something overweight woman wanting to dress up. You know what, good for them. And remind me I said that whenever snide comments come in, because it will happen. Stupid trolls. I need to be free of judging myself.

As I have said before I have lost myself somewhere along the way, and this is an effort to show myself some love and care and fun again. I need to love myself as I am right now and right in this moment. And maybe, just maybe, with loving myself a little bit more I can get healthier along the way and to a healthier weight.

So to start this I need a cosplay. I have wanted to do this for YEARS. In college I didn't know there was such a thing as cosplay beyond what kids do in Japan. And then starting to find other cosplayers the last 8 years or so of all shapes and sizes really opened my eyes. Between my husband and a dear friend/roommate from college I got the courage to start designing this cosplay.

This breaks some boundaries for me. I don't like being embarrassed or being seen as silly. I really don't like being the center of attention. I have a hard time accepting that the things I like aren't always the most mainstream and that's ok. So this is a first step in truly embracing my awesome nerdy self and letting my hair down.

Enough with the philosophy! Cosplay!

For your viewing pleasure, I present: Steampunk Sailor Jupiter!!!

Inspiration:

I got a lot of inspiration from fanart and other cosplays on deviant art. It's been an interesting design process to make the character my own, but still recognizeable.

I love the style of tiara and skirts for this

 

So many possibilities....

Progress so far:

I have so absolutely horrid sketches that I am not sharing here. Maybe once my artistic skills are better. I have almost all of the fabric purchased. I just need to get the rest of the material for the bodysuit.

Piles of fabric, patterns, beads, and The Shopping List!

 A close of the greens in the costume. The green corset will have pink lacing, the green shimmery fabric is the skirt, and the brighter green will be the top of the gloves. The white fabric is for the gloves and I need to buy the rest for the bodysuit.

 I will be wrapping the green pearls similar to the white for part of the tiara/headpiece. I still need to figure out a lightning rod.

 8 yards of fabric ironed and ready to be cut! I have 7 more in reserve for bows and trim.

 The choker and bracelet set I found on Amazon. I'm not sure which is more evil right now. Amazon or JoAnns.

 The many patterns:

 I am using the skirt pattern on the left. The skirt will be green with pink edging. I am just doing one shade of green instead of two.

 The bodysuit I will be modifying. I don't need the short skirt as I have the longer pattern. The edge of the sleeves will be in the green of the skirt.

 Pattern for elbow length gloves.

Using the sailor collar off of the green outfit. I will need to modify the heck out of it so it sits right on the bodysuit instead of being tied.

 Water bottle holder in faux leather. Have to stay hydrated at cons!

That's enough for today, but it was more than enough. I look forward to keeping everyone updated. And yes, McCall's, Simplicity, JoAnn Fabrics, and Cosplay Fabrics love me right now.

***
Oh, I guess I should put a blurb on the health side of things. It's been a long week of being sick and coughing. I am on the mend and feeling better. I have stopped and picked up a bunch of healthier snacks for work and home to get back on track. I haven't worked out since last Wednesday and I won't until I stop wheezing. My asthma is bad enough without me being intentionally stupid with my health.

Sleep Apnea

I have probably started and deleted this post a dozen times over the last 6 weeks or so. I just couldn't bring myself to write and admit some of the things I am about to share. I'm slowly making peace with all of it, but it hasn't been easy for me.

Back in January I went to the doctor because I hadn't been sleeping well for a long time. I was restless, my legs were twitchy, my back was killing me, and I was waking up just as tired as when I went to bed. Poor Marshall has been wearing earplugs for years now in part because of my snoring (the other part is traffic noise). Then I was listening to a friend's follow up interview on Half Size Me. She and Heather discussed her diagnosis of sleep apnea from when she was overweight. Heather asked the question of what Brenda would say to those who have thought of getting tested, but haven't. Brenda's answer wasn't anything I hadn't heard before, but it was the way she said. Sleep is so important for all of our bodily functions and mental acuity. The part that got to me was when she said it is medicine that is just as important as any pill or injection you could take.

So I got a referral to a sleep doctor. I met with him and it wasn't IF I had sleep apnea, but how bad. So I did a home sleep study. Turns out I have fairly mild sleep apnea all things considered. I had anywhere between 11-40 events per hour depending on the stage of sleep I was in. And off I went to get my fancy pants CPAP.

I was not happy with the diagnosis, but I was glad to know what was wrong. I didn't want the CPAP but I was determined to give it a fair shot and use it. I had to see if it would help.

The first night was the worst, but not for the normal reasons. It wasn't because I had this mask and hose coming off my face. It wasn't because I look bloody ridiculous wearing the blasted thing. It wasn't because of the Darth Vader noises I now get to make.

It is the fact I have to wear it at all.

I went to bed early so I could lay down and get used to this thing under my nose and a new way of breathing. I laid down and started to read. I laid there for about 10 minutes and I burst into tears. I tore that mask off and sobbed. Marshall came in and was bewildered as to what had happened. I only cry that hard when something truly awful has happened. It took me a while to calm down enough to tell him what was going through my head. It all hit me like a ton of bricks.

How did I let myself get to this?

How have I not loved myself enough to take care of my body?

Why did I feel I have to hide?

What bully did I listen to and take their words to heart to believe I'm not worth loving?

All I can say is I have been beyond blessed to have my husband. He talked me down, hugged me, wiped away tears and just held me.

I felt like I truly had hit rock bottom. I have hit some really low points, but this last month has been rough. What little weight I have lost according to my scale I have gained back, but my smaller pants still fit so that's alright. But I have been self-sabotaging my efforts and eating like crap again. Some days I realize it and stop. Some days I realize it and give in. Some days I don't realize it until it's too late. But it's getting better.

Today I had my one month follow up appointment. My doctor is very proud and impressed.

I had 2 days out of 30 that I wore it less than 4 hours. I remember those nights too. I had gotten too hot and started coughing. If you cough while wearing a CPAP you feel like your are choking and drowning. It's awful. I was so asleep I didn't realize that I was coughing because I was hot, so I just tore the mask off and turned off the machine.

My average number of events is 0.2 hour, and every 4th or 5th night I'm not having ANY events at all. My doctor said this was phenomenal.

I am not tossing and turning as much and if I do it's because of my hips and back hurting. I'm sleeping deeper through the night. To the point I wake up disoriented because I was sleeping so hard.

I had been disappointed there weren't leaps and bounds in my energy or other improvements, but my doctor was fine with it. He reminded me that I didn't have severe sleep apnea and that I wouldn't see these huge changes almost overnight. Mine are going to be smaller and more subtler changes.

He asked me how I liked my CPAP and was very surprised when I told him I hate it. I hate that I have to have it and I hate using it. It serves it's purpose and is necessary for now. It is another medicine to get me healthy. I told him I working towards getting back to where I don't need it. He grinned, told me he loved my attitude and he would be more than happy to order a new sleep study when I get to where I want to be.

I'm not sabotaging myself like I was now that I have kind of processed all of this. I'm letting myself be angry and heal. I'm doing better, but it's a long hard road. If weight loss was just about calories in vs. calories out, I could get the weight off pretty quick. It's so much more though.

Lesson from all of this: If you think you have an issue, go get it checked out. It may not be the answer you want, but if you can get help and feel better it is worth it.

***

To end on a happy note I just got home from MD for a work conference with the US Pharmacopeia and the FDA. Flowers are already starting to bloom back there and I am jealous! It was a great conference. I learned a lot and met some awesome people. 

Sunrise Sunday morning in Denver

 In a weird fluke I got to fly first class going both ways. Now that I have seen how the other half live, I'm not sure I can fly in coach again!

Stuffed French Toast and fresh fruit. Notice the real plates and silverware!

Warm cinnamon roll

Supposedly looking towards Pittsburgh

Flying over the Appalachians

 Went to a nearby mall Sunday night to walk and have dinner. I drooled over Teslas and fancy pens.

 I brought a coat I hadn't been able to wear, but I can now wear again. I was thrilled when I found out it fit again!

A little tea treat for myself

 I also got to tour the little museum at the USP and I would have loved to browse through there longer.

Pharmacopeia from the 1800's. They would send out individual pages as they were requested with the latest updates.

The USP

 The flight home was a little turbulent. We were flying over some impressive thunderstorms. The sun was setting as I watched the storms roll by. I wish that picture had turned out.

Bowl of warmed mixed nuts

 Dinner was a seafood stew with rolls and a salad. We got a warmed cookie for dessert.

I don't know how I got so lucky to fly first class, but I won't argue! 

Showing progress

Back in September I really started working out more consistently. I decided I needed to do something, and stop putting off things. I know I have a hard time getting up first thing in the morning. I also know that after I get home at night I won't do anything. I have a very hard time motivating myself. So I decided that I would try going on my lunch breaks. The gym I belong to is close so it works with my schedule well.

I had a couple sessions with a trainer to get a good strength training circuit going along with all my cardio. It has been going really well. I started out doing dumbbell presses with 15 pounds and am up to 20. Overhead presses with a free barbell I started at 20 and am up to 35! I started using a 20 pound kettlebell for squats and swings and up to a 30 pounder. I can go up to a 35 pound bell if I am feeling motivated.

Not long after I got on a roll I started thinking about my company's Christmas party and what I was going to wear. I really really wanted to wear a purple dress that I have, but the last time I wore it was before Marshall and I got married and I was 50 pounds lighter. I knew I couldn't lose 50 pounds in 3 months, but *maybe* I could tone up enough with strength training to get into it. I figured if I didn't get into it I was that much closer to getting into it, and I would wear a different dress that I have.

I got into the dress!

 

 

It didn't fit absolutely perfectly, but that's ok. I still felt beautiful and had a lot of fun at the party.

I ended up losing 5 pounds through the holidays of which I am incredibly proud. I have had a few ups and downs with the new year. I have discovered that I tend to retain water from my strength training workouts and to not do them the day before I weigh in. I end up feeling horrible and beating myself up when I have no reason to. I annoy myself sometimes. I really do.

Today at the gym while doing kettlebell swings I noticed that my shirt wasn't as snug. I am also starting to get more toning in my calves and see definition. This made me giddy happy because I love seeing the little bits of definition in my biceps and deltoid. I have been sporadically taking progress photos and took one today. I can really see a difference! I have a hard time day to day seeing a difference and today I really could. Marshall tells me almost every day, but I know he is biased ;)

I see it most in my belly in these pictures. But I am stronger, moving better and sleeping better. I'm not going to argue.

And again, to whichever reader suggested the Half Size Me podcast and community, thank you. I love the podcasts and community.

You Should Be Here

So tonight was a bit of a rough night at TOPS. It wasn't because I had a 3.5 pound gain (I chalk that up to starting strength training and this usually happens). It was because of what another member shared.

Jim (name changed for privacy) joined just very recently. It has only been 4-6 weeks since he joined us. He joined a week after having a heart scare and having a stint put in. He went into the ER on the 1st anniversary of his brother dying. He doesn't ever want to see his wife look that scared again or leave his kids and grand kids without him. He has been a bit of inspiration to us already. His goal is this next year to hike a 14-er (a 14000' mountain peak) here in Colorado. He wants to do it on the year of his heart scare, 2 year anniversary of his brothers death, and 5th anniversary of the last time he hiked a 14-er with his son.

Tonight he shared a video with us. His daughter first heard this song the day after he got out of the hospital and she thought of him. She didn't tell him right away because he doesn't like country music. When she finally did have him listen to the song he was shaken. It is "You Should Be Here" by Cole Swindell.

He wrote it when his dad died suddenly and hasn't been there to celebrate with Cole for all of his successes.The video starts with Cole calling his Dad that he just got signed to a record deal.

By the end of the video I had tears streaming down my face. It wasn't just the song, which is very touching itself. It's my own someone who should be here.

July 13, 2013

That date is the day Cole signed his contract.

That date is the day I married Marshall.

Renae should have been there.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year.
It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this
You should be here.

This October will mark 16 years since my childhood best friend died in her sleep at the age of 19.

There are so many things she has missed and should have been there for. There are so many things I should have been there for too.

College graduations. Dream trips taken. Weddings. Funerals. Failures. Successes. All of it. And it has been so damned hard.

I am so grateful to every single friend in my life. I don't take any of them for granted. I may be clingy at times, I know this. It comes from a place of caring, and knowing just how much I would miss these people in my life if they were gone. I am just grateful that the barriers to new friends I had put up have been broken down and have allowed me to make the amazing and incredible friends I have now.

And as anyone who knows me knows, I am good at putting happy face on and not showing just what's going on. Or brushing it off. Only those closest to me can see through the bullshit. Marshall is especially good at seeing through my bullshit. Which is awesome and frustrating by equal measures.

That facade shattered tonight. I broke in my TOPS meeting trying to explain why this song cut to my core.

I know I haven't truly dealt with her death. I don't talk about it or her. It's hard to, especially to anyone who didn't know her. I don't like bringing it up with anyone who did know her because I don't like feeling like I am lingering in the past. I don't want to be a burden. So I bottle it up inside. I have made it point to do my best to live in the now, not the past or the hazy someday. But the future is uncertain. The past holds hard memories and pain, but it also holds good memories.

So I came home from TOPS and walked into my husband's arms and sobbed. I sobbed in a way I haven't in years. He held me and rocked me gently as I soaked his shoulder. In the midst of my breaking at TOPS and the sobs on Marshall's shoulder I have realized I need to do better. I will be better. I need to honor Renae's memory in ways that I haven't. I need to honor myself and be healthy and let go.

Weight loss is as much mental and emotional as it is physical. I end up sabotaging myself somehow with my weight loss attempts. Usually in my fear of being diagnosed with diabetes and thinking of Renae. There are other things, but the memories of Renae and dealing with her death are at the top of the list.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. I think the physical part is going to be easier than the mental part.

With the anniversary coming up this would be a good time to try and lay some of this to rest. I am not sure how much I will post here or not. I have a hard time laying my soul bare for anyone to read. Tonight it was easier to type than try to write.

All I know is she should be here.

The day of our high school graduation.

Quiet Sunday

So it's been a little over a week with trying to get back on track, and overall it's been really good. I didn't work out at all Friday and Saturday, and it was nice to have a break. It was odd though because I was already missing it. I'm seeing some immediate results too. My clothes are starting to fit better. I lost 3 pounds this week at TOPS. I was really surprised too. I was fully expecting a pound or so gain. I usually do when I start lifting weights. Since I was expecting it, I wasn't worried about it. I figured I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and it will show eventually. Because more than a number on the scale I'm having some other benefits as well.

• I'm sleeping better - the length of time I'm sleeping, how deep I'm sleeping, and how restless I am not in the night (I'm not tossing and turning as much).
• I have more energy during the day. I want to get up and take a break at work for a short walk
• I'm more productive at work and I am having an easier time focusing on my tasks
• My feet and ankles aren't as swollen
• I don't hurt as much. My hips are still giving me issues, but that's the nature of having a desk job. My back is feeling better so definitely a big step in the right direction
• I'm feeling more at peace with my body and comfortable in my skin. This makes me so damn happy it's unreal.
• I feel calmer and happier

This is all just after a week and thinking off the top of my head. So it will be fun to see what the coming weeks bring.

Today was a nice quiet Sunday. I got together with a dear friend of mine to workout. We haven't seen each other much since she got a promotion at work and has been crazy busy. Needless to say we didn't do much working out, maybe 20 minutes. But we spent about 5 hours hanging out, catching up and nerding out. Marshall and I introduced her to Savage Worlds (a role-playing game similar to Dungeon and Dragons) and she had a blast. Hopefully we'll be able to hang out more soon, whether we game or not.

Other than that, just enjoyed the fall weather and some home made stew. Off to go read and relax.

Chugging along

I haven't posted in a while for several reasons. Part of it is life has been busy and part of it is I didn't want to jinx the tiny bit of progress I have been making. It's hard to write when I don't feel good and I know I haven't been doing well.

A few posts back a reader commented I should start listening to the Half Size Me podcast and I have been, and I have been enjoying it. Most of the posts are pretty good, and there have been a few duds. When someone starts spouting off bad science I just can't listen anymore. Mostly the people have been taken in by false information or pseudo-science, and I hate listening to it. I have been there with weight loss fads, and eating trends. A lot of these sound reasonable and on the surface make sense and they seduce you in. But they don't hold up to scientific research out there.

That being said, I have gained a lot of inspiration from the guests she has had on and ideas. Last week I made it a goal to go twice in the week to the gym, aside from my power yoga class, and work out. I specifically wanted to go on my lunch hour. I would get away from work for a bit and when I got home I could just relax. I have such a hard time once I get home to find any motivation. I made it three days and once to the gym upstairs over the weekend.

I love having the gym upstairs, but I am trying to use my gym membership more. I am already paying for it, so might as well use it. I also have a program through my health insurance that if I go twelve times in a month I get $20 credit towards a gift card to a store of my choice. I'm saving up for an amazon gift card to get some boots I want.

So at the gym I have been doing a warm up for about 5-10  minutes and then alternating days of doing strength training with my upper or lower body. I've been a little sore but not too bad. My semi-regular yoga must be doing something. I am not as weak as I thought I would be, especially with my upper body. So that makes me happy.

My hips are also hurting less at night and I'm sleeping better in general. More good things!

My eating is OK. Mostly I'm trying to just cut back on calories at this point without going to nuts on any particular eating plan. I scaled back on my weekly goal a bit too. I had put I wanted to lose 2 pounds per week in MyFitnessPal and that put me at about 1800 calories for the day. It was really hard for me to stay under that and when I would stay under it I was always hungry. No matter what I ate I was hungry. I hate feeling that way and I was really tearing myself down about it. Also, because I was hungry, I would binge and usually at night before bed. So I played with the goals a little bit and I have it set to 1.
5 pounds per week and I have a calorie goal of approximately 2200 calories. I still go over a little some days, but not nearly as badly (50 calories versus 500 calories). At the end of the day it's about the same amount of calories, but it isn't playing mind games with me. I feel a little bit freer in what I choose to eat and don't agonize over meals. Food should be enjoyed, not fretted over.

With that, here's a gloomy stormy picture of the mountains as I worked out this weekend. I'm off to take a hot bath and read.

A tool is just a tool, unless it does the job by itself.

I had to do a program for T.O.P.S. last week and I have been meaning to post it here because it turned out really well.