The Best Christmas Gift

I have given myself the best Christmas gift imaginable this year.

In April when I started with Dr. Hendrick he ran all of my blood work. There were some not so good numbers in there, but the one that concerned me the most was my A1C. It came back at 5.7%, which is pre-diabetic. Just barely, but it was official. I was disappointed, frustrated, and not surprised.

Other issues were

• borderline high blood pressure
• fasting blood sugar at 99
• my vitamin D was incredibly low.

I had my annual physical this week. The nurse practitioner was really happy with the progress I have made and told me to keep doing what I was doing. Yesterday I had my blood work done. By early afternoon all of my results were available through the online portal. Except my A1C. The doctor's office said it would be today or Friday. This has driven me nuts all damn day.

About 15 minutes ago I got an email saying the online portal had been updated with new test results.

My A1C results were in.

I took a deep breath and logged in. It was the moment of truth.

Have the last 8 months of hard work paid off? Truly paid off? This is the valuable stuff. Not the scale, not the clothes, but my health.

Here's the rundown.

Blood Pressure

April: 150/96
December: 112/70

Fasting Blood Sugar

April: 99
December: 87

Vitamin D

April: 13.7
December: 44

A1C

April: 5.7%

*drum roll*

December: 5.2%!!!!!!

I dropped my A1C 0.5% in 8 months!

I have no idea how this stacks up with others and what is normally expected, but I am ecstatic. The diagnosis isn't official yet, but I am no longer in the pre-diabetic range.

I cheered. I bawled. My husband hugged me tight.

More than anything it has made all of the struggles and the moments of "I don't wanna" worth it. It's also making me more determined to get back on track as soon as possible. I'm even rearranging some of what I was going to make for Christmas dinner to make a small start.

There's times I have trouble seeing my progress, and other times it is so clear. One of those times is from my Christmas last year vs. this year. These are photo booth pics and aren't the best. You can see it easier in other pictures, but I'll upload those some other time.

With that, I'm going to go relax and read. If I don't post before, may your holidays be blessed with love, laughter, and joy.

Learning self-love and forgiveness

I'm down 30 pounds. I actually hit it a few weeks back. I'm being so cautious about losing weight this time. It is so easy to dismiss 5, 10, and even 15 pounds lost. 5-10 can easily be gained or lost in a week depending on what you eat and, for us ladies, the time of the month it is. There was something in me about hitting 30 pounds lost. I am finally starting to feel the smallest bit of hope that I am doing it this time. Hope that I will get there, eventually. It's such a fragile bit of hope. I feel like I'm trying to get a wilted plant to grow and baby it along.

Marshall wanted a pic the other day to prove how tired I looked. We were both able to see my weight loss in my face.

It's a long, slow process this time. But it is so worth it. I'm doing it the right way. More importantly I'm doing it for the right reasons. Yes I want to wear clothes from "normal" stores. Yes I want to wear cute clothes. Yes I want to feel like a "normal" part of society and not deal with being fat-shamed anymore. Yes I want to feel good in my skin again. And hell yes, my health is at the top of this list. But my reason? I'm learning to love myself again. I was doing good years ago, and I am not sure what happened or when. I don't think it was one thing. However, I am back there now.

Some of it is being down 30 pounds. I won't lie. It feels great. More than that, it's the things I'm doing day to day that are making me feel amazing that are helping the most. I am noticing with my strength training, I'm walking taller. I'm not hunched over or looking at my feet as I walk. I'm holding my head up high again. I'm feeling better with the foods I am eating, and learning how to eat again.

I had a follow up with Dr. Hendrick a week and a half ago. It was a fantastic visit. I don't know if I had caught him on bad days previously or what, but he was laughing and joking with me. Part of me wonders if he had been reserved until he knew I was truly taking this seriously and after being 25 pounds down since starting with him he sees that I am serious. I don't know. We had an incredibly positive discussion about the eating habits I'm developing. We talked about how I am eating when I'm full. What eating to satisfaction means. And whether it is a healthy piece of fish or a decadent cupcake of just eating 80% of it to see if that satisfies me. Does it satisfy my hunger? Does it satisfy my cravings? He acknowledges that there are times we emotionally eat, it will happen. What we need to do is recognize when the food is no longer tasting good and allowing ourselves to stop and be ok.

I also find it funny that Marshall knows when I'm done before I do. I'll start looking at the food on my plate, usually unconsciously, and stare at the food. Mentally I'm just staring at it. Sometimes I wonder what I want next. Sometimes there's no thought there at all. Sometimes I know I'm within one or two bites to "done" and wondering what I want to finish with. Every single time Marshall looks at me and tells me I'm done. It's ok to to put the fork down and leave food on my plate. That's hard for me sometimes. I was raised in a household where you clear your plate. There's such an odd sense of freedom in being able to eat until I'm done and leaving it. Case in point, dinner tonight. We ordered calzones. I left just under half of my calzone. I was done. This never would have happened a year ago. I would have eaten until I was painfully full, and regretting it.

The other thing we talked about is learning my signals better. I haven't talked about it a whole lot to anyone, but I am taking a prescription med to help me. It is called Contrave. It is two different drugs combined into one. They were originally meant to help with addiction (smoking/drugs and alcoholism respectively). How they act is by one dulling the cravings and hunger signals, and the other making my satisfied and full signal louder. I still control what I put in my mouth, but it helps me battle the cravings for chocolate or just the urge to eat for no reason. Sadly insurance doesn't cover it, and I could rant on that for a while. However, for me it's working. It has helped with my cravings. It does help me recognize when I'm full. It's been a fantastic tool to help me learn my body again. When I do get hungry, I'm truly hungry. Well, most of the time. The cravings aren't gone completely.

I surprised Dr. Hendrick when I told him my reason for letting myself get to true hunger (belly growling LOUDLY). I need to know what true hunger actually feels like. I need to know it's ok to be hungry, and it's a natural signal. I know he is concerned with keeping me on track and not letting it start a binge. I respect that. However, he agreed with my reasoning and somewhat agrees. I also told him I want to go off the Contrave at some point soon, as an experiment. I need to see if I can start learning the signals my body naturally has. I don't want to be on the med forever. He agreed and reiterated I can go on and off the meds at any time. It's my journey and he is there to help me however. Dr. Hendrick also said what I have been experimenting with mindful eating, and he was impressed with what I have been doing on my own. The hospital here does some mindful eating classes, but I will miss a good portion of this session. I did get some links and book recommendations from the good doctor though.

When I mentioned this to Marshall, he had a surprising take on it. Marshall said he doesn't want to see me derail over the holidays. There are so many temptations around, and it's a stressful time at work. He doesn't want me to undo the hard work I have done. His opinion is to try after the first of the year. After much discussion, I agree with him. I will wait to try going off the meds until after the first of the year. When I first discussed it with Dr. Hendrick I hadn't even considered the upcoming holidays.

I will say the last couple of weeks, I've been glad to be on the Contrave though. We're coming up on a hard time of year for me. October is when my best friend growing up died. It's always rough on me. On Saturday I fly to Ireland with my best friend from college for a 10 day trip. Part of the trip is to finally say goodbye to her and hopefully get some closure. Grief is a funny thing, and I thought I was doing pretty good and pretty healed. I lied to myself. Big time. I've been on the verge of tears for weeks now. I've also been wanting nothing more than to binge. To eat like I used to. Because eating the point of over full, almost sickly full, numbs you. For a little bit. It's the same as drinking to forget in some ways. It's to numb you. I've given in some days, and others I haven't. I have recognized it for what is though, and it's been a surprisingly good thing.

Sometimes I give in and get a treat at lunch. Other times I can bargain with myself and wait until I get home to go to the sweets shop a block over and get something actually worth spending the calories on. Sometimes I eat peanut butter out of the jar stashed in my desk at work. But no matter what I have eaten to fulfill the emotional rawness right now, I've been trying so hard to be forgiving and gentle with myself. I've been trying to treat myself like I would anyone I love. It's helped a lot. It hasn't been easy, not by any means. Allowing myself to say that I want to emotionally eat because I am grieving and it's ok to eat a little is ok. As a result it hasn't resulted in any out right binges.

With that, I'm going to go work on more packing.

What's up Doc?

About a month ago I had a follow up appointment with my pulmonologist to see how my sleep apnea is doing. Thankfully it's doing really well and he is really pleased with my progress. Because it is so mild the benefits and changes are subtle. I am sleeping deeper, I'm not tossing and turning, and I am having more vivid dreams. The dreams are really screwy sometimes, and I wake up scratching my head as a result. Holy cow they are vivid.

In the conversation with him I mentioned that my weight hasn't really been going down and I am getting frustrated. I have cut my calories down, kept exercising and changed some of what I am eating. I am stuck in the same 5 pound range. He asked if I had heard of the bariatric specialist in town. They have worked with him quite a bit and he has a good success rate. He focuses on lifestyle changes, and he does not do surgery. The one thing he said that really grabbed my attention: "Dr. Hendrick is an actual MD. They bill to your insurance. It's not fad diets and woo woo bullshit."

So I made an appointment.

My first appointment was about 2 1/2 weeks ago. The first appointment is getting all of the baseline stuff done. Height, weight, percent body fat, percent muscle, and measurements. They use a body fat scale that has handles on it to get a more accurate picture of percent body fat. The ones for your bathroom that you stand on only send an electrical impulse up to the hips. The one with the handles actually goes up to the neck. They also do a DEXA (Dual Energy X-Ray) scan. This is normally used for detecting bone loss and osteoporosis. However, with the right software it can be used to determine bone mass and lean muscle mass. I also had to get a full blood panel to see where I am at right now.

I found out I have 140 pounds lean muscle mass. On the print out from the fancy scale they have what my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) is and how much I should aim to loose. It didn't put me automatically in the healthy BMI range. The weight it said I should lose would put me at about 180 pounds. They take into account lean muscle mass and don't want me to lose muscle to get to a healthy weight.

**MIND BLOWN** Never had a doctor think like that.

After I read that, the nurse crossed out the BMR and weight loss goal. Cue a very confused face from me and I was thinking they wanted me to go lower. Nope. They aren't setting a weight loss goal for me yet, if at all. There are more important things to work on at the moment than just the weight. It also depends on where I am happy, where my body is happy, and what is maintainable.

**MIND BLOWN AGAIN**

Wait...it might be ok if I only lose to 210 pounds? Yes. Yes it is. Because it is still healthier than where I am at right now. But I was told to not worry about that for now. I was also asked to track my food, but not to worry too much about calories right now. I'm not counting calories right now. Wait, what?!?

This is different from anything I have done before. Very different.

He looks at treating obesity as the complex disease that it is. He sees 4 facets to treating obesity. Nutritional, Physical, Metabolic, and Emotional. Per our conversation today:

"Weight loss won't make you happy. You have to be happy with your life and what you are doing, weight loss is a by product of that."

I also got my blood results back today. Everything is fine except my Vitamin D and my A1C (the marker for diabetes). The Vitamin D is easy enough to fix. However, I am officially pre-diabetic. My A1C is at 5.7% and the top end of "normal" is 5.6%. So I am just barely pre-diabetic, but we can reverse this. Given family history and my best friend's death, diabetes scares the shit out of me. Things just got real. Really real.

Dr. Hendrick is not above using fear as a motivator he said. It can be a great tool when used appropriately. I believe him. He wasn't mean about it, but he was honest.

We talked a lot about eating and emotions today, and I learned a lot. I guess I shouldn't say that. I saw a new way of looking at things.

- We eat to meet different needs. Sadness, stress, anger, joy, health, fuel, and more. No one need is better than the other emotionally. They are what they are. I just need to sit back and look at my meal and ask why am I eating. Is what I am eating now fulfill my health needs or is it fulfilling an emotional need?

- The reason we emotionally eat certain foods is to fulfill and emotional need we aren't meeting otherwise. So when we take out a food that is "bad" we have to replace that food with something that fulfills the emotional need in it's absence. Meditation, yoga, walking, doing hobbies. Anything at all that makes you happy and fulfills your emotional needs.

- If I am fighting a certain change or emotion I need to ask myself why and dive deeper into the why it is bothering me and how to handle it.

He is focusing much more on the mental aspects than anything else right now with me. I feel drained and overwhelmed.

I am to start working on changing the following things:

- 3 meals. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. No snacks and no skipping meals.
- Track food, but don't worry about calories for now. I'm to eat and feel satisfied.
- No sweets or grains (breads, pasta, oatmeal, quinoa, potatoes of any kind, and corn to name a few). Since we are trying to reverse pre-diabetes this is key.
- try for a fruit and veggie at every meal.

He is pleased with how much I am working out and to up my workouts if I can without injuring myself.

I am not expected to be perfect. They want me to make baby steps. As long as I am making progress they will be happy. If I have any problems or frustrations I am to call them. They are there to help me.

Overall, I like the doctor as his staff. They are friendly and supportive. He lays no blame and doesn't shame. He genuinely wants to help.

Right now I am just nervous, scared, hopeful, and trying to be optimistic.

Ok, that's enough for tonight. I am going to post about the costume for Steampunk Sailor Jupiter tomorrow night.

A challenge for mom and I

So I have completely fallen off the bandwagon and gained back what little bit I had lost. Time to pick myself up and try again. Seems like that's all you can ever do in life.

I wish I had, at least to my mind, valid reasons for gaining the weight back. I don't though. I work nightshift and 4 10 hour shifts. Given how busy my job is I usually work closer to 11 hours a night and far too often (or so it feels) longer than that. Sure I work 4-10 hour shifts, but I spend one day of my weekends simply sleeping because I don't sleep well during the days. Basically I feel like I am in a perpetual state of exhaustion.

I need to do something though and I need to do it now. I don't feel good. I don't just mean how I perceive myself. Everyone has skinny and fat days, no matter what size pants they put on. I just mean physically I don't feel good. I have no energy, my back hurts, my knees hurt, and I can tell my blood pressure is high. Although the last one might be more due to my caffeine addiction than anything else. javajavajavajavajavajava

I also know my mom needs to get healthier as well.

So I issued a challenge to her and she has accepted.

Starting tomorrow, from 10/15/12-03/15/13 we are going to have a two-person challenge to see who can lose the largest percentage of body weight. What does the winner get? A new Coach purse. I am not meaning a "knock-off" from the Coach outlet store in Loveland, I am talking a brand-new latest style of your choice Coach purse. Yep. I made the stakes high.

Mom and I set a price limit of course (neither of us are insane enough to say "whichever one you want") and some other personal ground rules.

As for the losing weight part, I set no rules. I just want both of us to get healthy. As I put it to mom, it is however she wants to do it. Atkins, Ideal Protein, Weight Watchers, the cabbage diet (joking on that one!), or whatever.  We just need to do it and we both need motivation and accountability.

So how am I going to do it? Getting my sorry butt back to my gym and doing exercises I love, and counting calories. I still want to get better at running now that I know I can do it and it is something I need to prove to myself, but running still is NOT a passion of mine. I doubt it ever will be. I am still caught up in the novelty of the fact Sandy got me to run (and not completely hate it). Instead I will focus for now on the things I love to do. Yoga, swimming, and bellydance. While my gym doesn't offer bellydance classes, there are half a dozen troupes along the Front Range I can take classes with.

I realized the other day how much I miss bellydancing and the group I danced with in Casper. It is fun, a great workout, and so empowering. Yes it can be sexy...ok most of the time the dancing is sexy....but to feel and know how your body can move is an amazing thing. In fact I tried to go to a bellydance class this afternoon and it was cancelled. Oh well, off to find another!

Off to work on a calligraphy project and get it done so I can do other things in my limited free time....like dance!!

Oh, and the purse I want?

They say confession is good for the soul

It has been far too long since I have updated this blog. To be honest I have missed it. I have no reason for not blogging other than I have been lazy. Just pure lazy. Yes work has been busy. Yes I have been busy doing my own thing, but I am the queen of lazy. I can talk myself into curling up on the couch during the weekend and reading for hours in nothing flat. It takes me hours to talk myself into going to the gym. No matter how good I feel afterwards.

So now comes the reason for this post and my confession:

I have been slacking off on going to the gym. I have a lot of excuses for it, but that's all they are is excuses. It started just as a break after the contest. The 9 weeks of the contest were intense and draining. Especially getting up in the middle of my night to go workout. It was so nice to not HAVE to be at the gym. And it snowballed out of control like I knew it would.

So what am I going to do about this to make it right?

1) Keep on top of my blog. Blogging gives me a lot of accountability being able to post it and put it out there. Regardless of how many people read it.

2) Do weekly weigh-ins and measurements.

3) Make it a priority to get to the gym 3 times a week minimum. Post my workouts here and log them in to my trackers

4) Think positive thoughts and not talk myself out of going. No matter how tired I am when I get off work or get up in the evening.

I will also be updating the blog. I have added tabs for weigh-ins, before and after photos, and a few others. Keep an eye out for those in the upcoming days and weeks.

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I also wanted to share this from another blog I read. Katie at Runs for Cookies posted this. Under Armour is running a contest right now and you should go check it out. The UA What's Beautiful contest has a lot of great prizes, but it encourages you to set goals and achieve them. Do you want to lose the last 10 pounds (or the first 10)? Do you want to run a 5K? Do you want to start lifting weights? Whatever your goal is set it!

My goal: To run a mile without stopping to walk!

What's your goal?

Have a great night! I am off to work!

Endings and beginnings

So Wednesday night was the party at Chick-Fil-A for the Slimdown Challenge. We got the announcement of the results from our final weigh-in and the winner. I ended up in last place with 11 pounds lost overall and a total of 15 inches lost. I ended up having a bad gain (9 pounds) due to bloating and monthly timing. It would fall on that week wouldn't it??? The overall winner was Mike. He lost 52 pounds and over 30 inches! I don't remember the exact numbers, but it was hellaciously impressive.

The party was fun and I was even happier because my parents came down from Wyoming to be there for it. Dad had surgery just a month ago and has been going stir crazy. He was glad for an excuse to not only get out of the house, but out of the state! Even if it was just for a day. A friend/coworker came to the party as well as my boyfriend. There were a lot of people there. There were our guests, the families of the ladies who had put together the contest, our trainers and their spouses. It was kind of crowded in that little restaurant

As soon as I can I will post my before and after photos from the contest. I got a nice set that I can put on my mantle or something. Until I saw the pictures I didn't realize how much I had lost. I can really see it in my face, but my body looks narrower. Until I can get them up though, here are these:

The 2012 Slimdown Challenge Contests and Leaders. From Left to Right: Rob, Melanie, Theresa, Laura, Angela, Debbie, David, Me, Tyler, Megan, Mike, Bridget.

My trainer Sandy and I

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Now I am wondering what to do in some ways. All I can do is keep on keepin' on, but it helped so much to have goals and focus point the last 9 weeks. Granted my goals were still vague, but they were there. But I am off to such a good start and already feel so much better, that I can't lose the ground I have gained in this journey.

Here are the goals I have so far:
1) Make it at least 3 times a week to the gym for a minimum of 30 minutes. I have found that if I go for 30, I will usually just make it 60 because I am already there and in a groove.
2) Keep up the jogging I have started!
3) Meet with Sandy at least once a month!! Having a trainer is so worth the money. That and Sandy is just awesome! I love her.
4) Keep logging my food in my daily food journal, and exercise too

I have more that I need to work on. I am thinking of doing a list of 32 by 32. I turn 31 in June so there's no point in doing 31 by 31! I just need to figure out 32 goals!! I started a list a few nights ago, and it is hard! There are other goals besides fitness on there, but they will make up a good deal of the list I am sure.

What have I done so far to keep up the good work? I made it to the gym this morning and worked out for about 45 minutes. I have to say I am damn proud of what I accomplished too!

I walk/jogged a mile and half on the track

I jogged half of it.

I jogged 4 laps without stopping to walk.

I leg pressed 110 pounds today...up 40 pounds from when I started with Sandy. And from how it felt I will be adding more weight soon!

I am feeling good....real good....and I never thought I would say this....EVER....I am enjoying jogging right now. And for those who know me well, you know how big that statement is coming from me!

With that, I am off to bed! Have a great weekend!

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Inspirational quote: "The only thing I can change is myself, but sometimes that makes all the difference." Unknown

Pride and the importance of having a trainer

I really wish I had been with it enough to post this blog yesterday morning after my workout with my trainer, but I was dead after work and working out. It also didn't help I was still on the edge emotionally after my workout. It was a great workout, and Sandy definitely knows how and when to push me. She definitely pushed me and we reached a major milestone yesterday.

I hate running. I always have and probably always will. I can think of a million other things I would rather do than run. Part of me even wants to say I would rather go through a double root canal again than run. But having done a double root canal, I think it might be a toss up as to which sucks more in my mind. That being said, I admire runners. I admire those (even though I think they are bat-shit crazy) who run for fun as well as health. Especially those that regularly run 5Ks and 10Ks. Although I think Marathoners are their own breed of crazy. Who willingly puts themselves through that?!? And being overweight most of my life, especially the last 10 years, I would love to have the ability to run. To be able to jog a mile or two for a workout and not feel like my I am going to die. To not have every bone in my body ache the day after a jog would be incredible. Well yesterday Sandy had me jog for the first time in about 13 years when I was a junior in high school.

Sandy had me working on upper body strength training and then said we were headed upstairs to the track to do intervals. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't jogging. We walked about half a lap, jogged about a third, walked a third, jogged some more, walked a quarter, and jogged about half. I was pretty happy with that and feeling good. I told Sandy as we headed down to work on my lower body strength training that that was my first time jogging and she said that was good and we would have to do it some more. Me and my big mouth! The last thing we did for the day was to head back upstairs and take one last lap on the track. I jogged a full lap on the track without stopping!! When we finished the lap Sandy gave me the biggest hug and I couldn't help tearing up. It was more than I expected of myself. When I pulled back there were tears in her eyes too. I know we talked and she said how proud she was of me and then she had to go meet with her next client. Its a blur because I was so tired for one, and because I was in shock. I wish I had could say I had been thinking on that lap. But I can't. I just did it. I remember in high school having all kinds of hateful thoughts towards my coaches and running, but yesterday I just went with it. I am so proud of myself that I can't even begin to say. It shows just how far I have come in just two months.

There is something to be said for having a trainer. Sandy does stuff to me I would never willingly do to myself. And I will teasingly tell her no, but I don't fight her (too hard) on most things she wants me to do. I am doing this for myself (and the blasted contest), and I am getting stronger. I am feeling so much better physically and mentally. I know that I will hate her later (like right now due to very sore legs and arms!) but everything she does is worth it. She knows when to push me, when to back off, and always tries something new. I could go on and on about how awesome she is and how much I appreciate what she has done. And after the contest is over I will be making a point to still workout with her. Yes, personal training sessions are a bit expensive, but I never realized until working out with her how valuable it can be. I always thought personal trainers were for those training for marathons and the like. Not true! I attribute a good portion of my success so far this year to having Sandy helping me.

For those out there wondering if you should get a personal trainer or not all I can say is look into it. A trainer has so much to offer. Accountability is a big one for me. Also they help make sure you have good form, that you are using the correct weights, and mixing it up to keep you from getting bored. The biggest thing for me though is Sandy is one of my biggest motivators. On days like yesterday when I walk in feeling very down about my fitness and weight loss, she reminds me of how far I have come. She also pushes me to go just a little bit farther and do 20 reps when I would have easily stopped at 12.

If you do decide to look into different trainers at your gym here are some of my tips:

1) Find someone who has a similar personality. You won't get good results if you get someone who is more drill sergeant and you do better with gentle encouragement.

2) Make sure they understand your physical limitations and strengths. What are you good at? Do you have back/knee problems? You don't want someone who will ignore these things and tell you to work through the pain. Pain isn't good!

3) Make sure you are on the same page with fitness goals. No need to be training for a marathon if you just want to look good in a bikini!

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Now a couple quick questions for you all:

I feel like I should be posting more pictures or something. Do you want to see pictures? What of?

Is there anything in particular you want me to write about? What I'm eating? What I wish I was eating? (Mmmm steak)

Any and all suggestions are welcome!

Whew....and for those that made it through this post here is a motivational poster I found to be funny:

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Reader question: What milestones have you reached?

Slimdown Challenge - Here we go!

So the Slimdown Challenge has officially started! We had our first meeting last night (we did our weigh-ins when we signed our paperwork). We got a chance to know each other, meet some of the trainers that we would be working with, and tour the gym (for those who hadn't been in before). So far everyone seems really nice, but we will see how this contest goes! The trainers were definitely excited to meet everybody. There are 6 women and 4 men participating. The winner will be chosen based on the biggest percentage of bodyweight lost (just like Biggest Loser).

After the meeting I stayed to workout on the treadmill for an hour, but only made it 30 minutes. I not only pushed myself too hard too fast on the program I was doing, but my d@mn vertigo had to flare up. I was not too happy about that. That's ok, I am sure I will make it up later in the week. I have been emailing with Sandy about my training appointment on Thursday. She is going to kick my butt! I am to do 1 hour workouts on my own and do a 30 minute cardio warm up before I have my training session with her. We are going to be doing combos of strength training and cardio. I swear she is plotting gleefully away at the things she gets to put me through! But I am excited to see what we can do.

I guess I should mention my goals for this contest. Obviously I want to lose weight, but I have no idea on a number. I told Sandy that I figure 2 pounds a week is a good safe number but probably far too conservative given that I am going to be at the gym at least 4 hours a week. Sandy agreed and she wants to shoot for a 4 pound loss this week. I figure lets go for it!

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Last night after I left the gym it finally sank in how big of a deal this really is. I hadn't quite realized it. I got my first dinner from Chick-fil-a and it kind of hit me. My dinner was around $8 before I got my contest discount of free. Doing some quick math, over the course of 9 weeks and eating at Chick-fil-a for 6 days a week it is around $500 per contestant that they are spending on food. Gym dues are $55/mo. So about 2 1/2 months of free gym membership so another $135 per contestant. And then there are the training sessions at $35 per 30 minute session. Plus the grand prize of free food for a year and a gym membership. Not to mention the advertisement signs with our pictures at the gym and Chick-fil-a. And the Facebook pages they are updating with the contest. In all the weight loss contests I have done through my jobs over the years and TOPS, it was up to me. If I screwed up, it didn't matter to anyone but me. But this one....this one matters. I have a lot of people that care about me rooting me on for this. And not just my family and friends. I have coworkers cheering me on. I have Sandy really gunning for me.

And it overwhelmed me. And I was seriously wondering what the hell I had done (although I am still thinking that!).

All I could think for a while last night is that I am going to screw this up. That I can't do this. I am not strong enough for this. I am not ready for this. I came home after getting my food to talk to Marshall and just let it all out. He reminded me that I am strong enough and that I am ready. I wouldn't have taken a blurry picture of the sign and entered before I really had a chance to tell him about it if I wasn't ready.

I don't know what caused it. I don't know if I am just scared of the changes or what. Its going to be a long hard journey and an exciting one. I just need to go do it.

So I worked last night and thought about things and pretty much told myself I am being silly and a worrywart. I started feeling better about it all. The big change in my mindset came when I stopped at Chick-fil-a this morning to get breakfast. I walked in and aside from the employees I was the only one there. A very friendly gal named Carley took my order and when I showed my nifty badge for the contest she got so excited. She pointed to the sign showing all the contestants which one I was. She had just been looking at it a few minutes before. She told me she was so excited that they had finally chosen the contestants and that she can't wait to see how we all do. Her enthusiasm made me smile.

As I was waiting for my order she walked back over to the table where the manager was sitting and told her that I was one of the contestants. After I got my food the manager came up and shook my hand and introduced herself, and proceeded to gush about how excited she was for the contest. She talked to me for  while and wanted to know a bit of my story and all. As other people started coming in for work she would pull them aside and introduce me. It was amazing, overwhelming, and so much more than I expected. Everyone was so enthusiastic and excited. It got me excited again!

And with that I am off to finish my multigrain oatmeal (with toppings!) and go to bed. Have a great day all!

Starting Over...again

A new year, a new start and I am feeling better about staying on track right now. Or at least being able to get back on after falling off. In October I joined a gym here and I absolutely love it. The facilities are awesome (yay for pools, hot tubs, and saunas!), and best of all the staff and the other patrons are super friendly. I love walking into a gym where everyone greets you with a smile. Too often as an overweight woman I have gotten dirty looks, heard snide comments, and a general sense of intimidation. It is nice to walk into a gym and not worry about those silly things. I just wish I have had more time (and made more time) over the past couple months to fully use it!

When I signed my membership one of the perks is 2 free one-hour training sessions with a personal trainer. Today I had my first session with Sandy and she was awesome! She was very enthusiastic, encouraging, and has such a bright personality you can't help but smile when you are with her. She seemed surprised at times about some of my fitness interests, but was impressed I think. The one that seemed to surprise her the most is that I love swimming. She thought I was meaning water aerobics, but was genuinely surprised when I said I love doing laps. Anyways, she got me started riding a bike for a warm up while we went over health history, physical issues, and my goals.

Here are my personal goals:

• Lose 35-40 pounds (a good goal to start as that will put me where I was 3 years ago)
• Learn the butterfly stroke (the one stroke I can't seem to master....my body doesn't like trying to swim like a mermaid. Who knew?)
• Working on strength training - pretty much my entire body, but especially my core
• Make it to the gym 3 times per week for 30 minutes of cardio, and if I get strength training in it is a bonus. This was one of Sandy's goals for me.

After I got home I got on SparkPeople for the first time in a while and restarted everything. While it is nice resetting goals and timelines, I forgot what a pain it is too. It resets the workout program I had had setup in there which I had liked, and it just takes a while to redo it. Oh well, at least it is easy enough to do, just time consuming. I also set some mini goals through SparkPeople to help get me started. It is to see how many days in a row I can do these. Lets hope I can keep it up this time. Here they are:

• Track calories eaten each day
• Go to the gym at least 3 times per week
• Read an inspirational quote each day

Right now I am just looking at starting small. I want to get into the habit of recording my food intake regularly before I start to panic over what I am eating. One step and one day at a time. I can do this!

Thanks Sandy for the awesome kick start today!

Thanks Marshall for your love and support.

Motivational quote of the day: "Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom" George S. Patton