Trials and Errors

My summer up through the first part of July was busy. To be honest, I've just enjoyed having quiet time to myself the last month and a half.

As an update from my last entry, I'm feeling a lot better mentally. I still have moments of doubt and all, but it feels like "normal" doubt. Not the depression monster in my head. I've gotten back into a groove with my working out, but eating has been a real struggle. I saw my pulmonologist and we've gotten the pressures figured out. He had to lower them a bit for me. Part of my struggle now is sinus issues due to allergies and the smoke from wildfires. I feel like I am permanently congested and sneezing.

The last 4-6 weeks have been a challenge. I emailed Dr. Hendrick to ask about the other weight loss meds he was thinking of having me try. At our last appointment, we started talking more about it again. He wanted to kick start my weight loss again. I was wanting information from him to do some more research. He was honest with me and let me know which ones he was thinking of, but that the good information is hard to find. There's a lot of less than reputable sites that give half the facts. He said he would give me all the information I could need at our next appointment in mid-September. 

I felt like I just wasn't making progress. I have been lifting back at full weights and upping my weights week to week. It even got to the point that I was looking at weight loss surgery again. Even going so far as to see which of the three different types of procedures I thought would work best. It made me sad to think I needed to do that, even if the surgery is just another tool for me to use. It is not the easy way out.

I don't really remember how it came about, but I started doing more research on intermittent fasting. I don't know if it was a news article, something I saw on Facebook, or what. It is something Dr. Hendrick has been wanting me to try for a while. I was reading up on the science and theory behind it for fat loss. I decided what the heck. At the time I started it, I had a month before my next appointment. I might as well treat myself as a science experiment and see if it works. On a random Tuesday morning, I decided to try it. It has been two weeks, and so far, so good. There are several different ways to do intermittent fasting, but I have been fasting for 16 hours and have an 8-hour window to eat.

The theory is that after you finish eating for the night, your body is in a digestion phase anywhere from 8-12 hours. Anything after the 12-hour mark your body is fasting and will start using fat as fuel. Eating more lean protein does help the body using fat instead of muscle as fuel. 

Overall it hasn't been too bad. It's been great having one less meal to plan, and I don't feel as rushed in the mornings. I do still get coffee in the morning, I just have to limit the flavored creamer so the fast doesn't get broken early. Aside from a few days where I felt very run down and had a headache I have felt great and have had more energy. On the days I have felt like crap, I have broken my fast early and eaten a protein bar or a piece of fruit. I felt better shortly afterward. As always, listening to my body is key.

As for breaking my fast, I break it around lunchtime after I have my workout. I have a little bit more than I normally would at lunch and dinner, but not by that much. When all is said and done I've been averaging around 1800 calories per day with a range of 1500-2100 calories. It depends on how hard I worked out and how hungry I feel. It has also helped me face my fear of hunger and get over it. Well, for the most part. Having a growling stomach in meetings is not the best thing!

Other things from the last couple of weeks:

• I've dropped between 4-5 pounds. It depends on the day you look at my scale
• Huge difference in how my clothes fit. I have 2 pairs of pants that I dare not wear outside the house
• Pair of leggings purchased a year ago now fit. At the time I bought them they wouldn't go past mid-thigh
• Better attitude
• More focused at work
• I'm eating less at meals and feeling satiated sooner

So right now I'm feeling hopeful and finding some success. Right now I just want to get back under 300 pounds, and I am so freaking close. This week or next and I should be there. 

I have also found that I do best when weighing myself every day or every other day. I need the data points to keep me accountable. By keeping my food logs I can go back and see what caused a spike in my weight. Anything from eating, to that time of the month, to too many carbs can cause my weight to spike as much as 4 to 5 pounds in a single day. It helps to see the trend of it going down though and knowing that the weight will come back down. I've been using an app called Libra to help me with this. They have trending weight, average loss, and projected weight loss. It's handy and I like it.

Learning self-love and forgiveness

I'm down 30 pounds. I actually hit it a few weeks back. I'm being so cautious about losing weight this time. It is so easy to dismiss 5, 10, and even 15 pounds lost. 5-10 can easily be gained or lost in a week depending on what you eat and, for us ladies, the time of the month it is. There was something in me about hitting 30 pounds lost. I am finally starting to feel the smallest bit of hope that I am doing it this time. Hope that I will get there, eventually. It's such a fragile bit of hope. I feel like I'm trying to get a wilted plant to grow and baby it along.

Marshall wanted a pic the other day to prove how tired I looked. We were both able to see my weight loss in my face.

It's a long, slow process this time. But it is so worth it. I'm doing it the right way. More importantly I'm doing it for the right reasons. Yes I want to wear clothes from "normal" stores. Yes I want to wear cute clothes. Yes I want to feel like a "normal" part of society and not deal with being fat-shamed anymore. Yes I want to feel good in my skin again. And hell yes, my health is at the top of this list. But my reason? I'm learning to love myself again. I was doing good years ago, and I am not sure what happened or when. I don't think it was one thing. However, I am back there now.

Some of it is being down 30 pounds. I won't lie. It feels great. More than that, it's the things I'm doing day to day that are making me feel amazing that are helping the most. I am noticing with my strength training, I'm walking taller. I'm not hunched over or looking at my feet as I walk. I'm holding my head up high again. I'm feeling better with the foods I am eating, and learning how to eat again.

I had a follow up with Dr. Hendrick a week and a half ago. It was a fantastic visit. I don't know if I had caught him on bad days previously or what, but he was laughing and joking with me. Part of me wonders if he had been reserved until he knew I was truly taking this seriously and after being 25 pounds down since starting with him he sees that I am serious. I don't know. We had an incredibly positive discussion about the eating habits I'm developing. We talked about how I am eating when I'm full. What eating to satisfaction means. And whether it is a healthy piece of fish or a decadent cupcake of just eating 80% of it to see if that satisfies me. Does it satisfy my hunger? Does it satisfy my cravings? He acknowledges that there are times we emotionally eat, it will happen. What we need to do is recognize when the food is no longer tasting good and allowing ourselves to stop and be ok.

I also find it funny that Marshall knows when I'm done before I do. I'll start looking at the food on my plate, usually unconsciously, and stare at the food. Mentally I'm just staring at it. Sometimes I wonder what I want next. Sometimes there's no thought there at all. Sometimes I know I'm within one or two bites to "done" and wondering what I want to finish with. Every single time Marshall looks at me and tells me I'm done. It's ok to to put the fork down and leave food on my plate. That's hard for me sometimes. I was raised in a household where you clear your plate. There's such an odd sense of freedom in being able to eat until I'm done and leaving it. Case in point, dinner tonight. We ordered calzones. I left just under half of my calzone. I was done. This never would have happened a year ago. I would have eaten until I was painfully full, and regretting it.

The other thing we talked about is learning my signals better. I haven't talked about it a whole lot to anyone, but I am taking a prescription med to help me. It is called Contrave. It is two different drugs combined into one. They were originally meant to help with addiction (smoking/drugs and alcoholism respectively). How they act is by one dulling the cravings and hunger signals, and the other making my satisfied and full signal louder. I still control what I put in my mouth, but it helps me battle the cravings for chocolate or just the urge to eat for no reason. Sadly insurance doesn't cover it, and I could rant on that for a while. However, for me it's working. It has helped with my cravings. It does help me recognize when I'm full. It's been a fantastic tool to help me learn my body again. When I do get hungry, I'm truly hungry. Well, most of the time. The cravings aren't gone completely.

I surprised Dr. Hendrick when I told him my reason for letting myself get to true hunger (belly growling LOUDLY). I need to know what true hunger actually feels like. I need to know it's ok to be hungry, and it's a natural signal. I know he is concerned with keeping me on track and not letting it start a binge. I respect that. However, he agreed with my reasoning and somewhat agrees. I also told him I want to go off the Contrave at some point soon, as an experiment. I need to see if I can start learning the signals my body naturally has. I don't want to be on the med forever. He agreed and reiterated I can go on and off the meds at any time. It's my journey and he is there to help me however. Dr. Hendrick also said what I have been experimenting with mindful eating, and he was impressed with what I have been doing on my own. The hospital here does some mindful eating classes, but I will miss a good portion of this session. I did get some links and book recommendations from the good doctor though.

When I mentioned this to Marshall, he had a surprising take on it. Marshall said he doesn't want to see me derail over the holidays. There are so many temptations around, and it's a stressful time at work. He doesn't want me to undo the hard work I have done. His opinion is to try after the first of the year. After much discussion, I agree with him. I will wait to try going off the meds until after the first of the year. When I first discussed it with Dr. Hendrick I hadn't even considered the upcoming holidays.

I will say the last couple of weeks, I've been glad to be on the Contrave though. We're coming up on a hard time of year for me. October is when my best friend growing up died. It's always rough on me. On Saturday I fly to Ireland with my best friend from college for a 10 day trip. Part of the trip is to finally say goodbye to her and hopefully get some closure. Grief is a funny thing, and I thought I was doing pretty good and pretty healed. I lied to myself. Big time. I've been on the verge of tears for weeks now. I've also been wanting nothing more than to binge. To eat like I used to. Because eating the point of over full, almost sickly full, numbs you. For a little bit. It's the same as drinking to forget in some ways. It's to numb you. I've given in some days, and others I haven't. I have recognized it for what is though, and it's been a surprisingly good thing.

Sometimes I give in and get a treat at lunch. Other times I can bargain with myself and wait until I get home to go to the sweets shop a block over and get something actually worth spending the calories on. Sometimes I eat peanut butter out of the jar stashed in my desk at work. But no matter what I have eaten to fulfill the emotional rawness right now, I've been trying so hard to be forgiving and gentle with myself. I've been trying to treat myself like I would anyone I love. It's helped a lot. It hasn't been easy, not by any means. Allowing myself to say that I want to emotionally eat because I am grieving and it's ok to eat a little is ok. As a result it hasn't resulted in any out right binges.

With that, I'm going to go work on more packing.

What's up Doc?

About a month ago I had a follow up appointment with my pulmonologist to see how my sleep apnea is doing. Thankfully it's doing really well and he is really pleased with my progress. Because it is so mild the benefits and changes are subtle. I am sleeping deeper, I'm not tossing and turning, and I am having more vivid dreams. The dreams are really screwy sometimes, and I wake up scratching my head as a result. Holy cow they are vivid.

In the conversation with him I mentioned that my weight hasn't really been going down and I am getting frustrated. I have cut my calories down, kept exercising and changed some of what I am eating. I am stuck in the same 5 pound range. He asked if I had heard of the bariatric specialist in town. They have worked with him quite a bit and he has a good success rate. He focuses on lifestyle changes, and he does not do surgery. The one thing he said that really grabbed my attention: "Dr. Hendrick is an actual MD. They bill to your insurance. It's not fad diets and woo woo bullshit."

So I made an appointment.

My first appointment was about 2 1/2 weeks ago. The first appointment is getting all of the baseline stuff done. Height, weight, percent body fat, percent muscle, and measurements. They use a body fat scale that has handles on it to get a more accurate picture of percent body fat. The ones for your bathroom that you stand on only send an electrical impulse up to the hips. The one with the handles actually goes up to the neck. They also do a DEXA (Dual Energy X-Ray) scan. This is normally used for detecting bone loss and osteoporosis. However, with the right software it can be used to determine bone mass and lean muscle mass. I also had to get a full blood panel to see where I am at right now.

I found out I have 140 pounds lean muscle mass. On the print out from the fancy scale they have what my Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) is and how much I should aim to loose. It didn't put me automatically in the healthy BMI range. The weight it said I should lose would put me at about 180 pounds. They take into account lean muscle mass and don't want me to lose muscle to get to a healthy weight.

**MIND BLOWN** Never had a doctor think like that.

After I read that, the nurse crossed out the BMR and weight loss goal. Cue a very confused face from me and I was thinking they wanted me to go lower. Nope. They aren't setting a weight loss goal for me yet, if at all. There are more important things to work on at the moment than just the weight. It also depends on where I am happy, where my body is happy, and what is maintainable.

**MIND BLOWN AGAIN**

Wait...it might be ok if I only lose to 210 pounds? Yes. Yes it is. Because it is still healthier than where I am at right now. But I was told to not worry about that for now. I was also asked to track my food, but not to worry too much about calories right now. I'm not counting calories right now. Wait, what?!?

This is different from anything I have done before. Very different.

He looks at treating obesity as the complex disease that it is. He sees 4 facets to treating obesity. Nutritional, Physical, Metabolic, and Emotional. Per our conversation today:

"Weight loss won't make you happy. You have to be happy with your life and what you are doing, weight loss is a by product of that."

I also got my blood results back today. Everything is fine except my Vitamin D and my A1C (the marker for diabetes). The Vitamin D is easy enough to fix. However, I am officially pre-diabetic. My A1C is at 5.7% and the top end of "normal" is 5.6%. So I am just barely pre-diabetic, but we can reverse this. Given family history and my best friend's death, diabetes scares the shit out of me. Things just got real. Really real.

Dr. Hendrick is not above using fear as a motivator he said. It can be a great tool when used appropriately. I believe him. He wasn't mean about it, but he was honest.

We talked a lot about eating and emotions today, and I learned a lot. I guess I shouldn't say that. I saw a new way of looking at things.

- We eat to meet different needs. Sadness, stress, anger, joy, health, fuel, and more. No one need is better than the other emotionally. They are what they are. I just need to sit back and look at my meal and ask why am I eating. Is what I am eating now fulfill my health needs or is it fulfilling an emotional need?

- The reason we emotionally eat certain foods is to fulfill and emotional need we aren't meeting otherwise. So when we take out a food that is "bad" we have to replace that food with something that fulfills the emotional need in it's absence. Meditation, yoga, walking, doing hobbies. Anything at all that makes you happy and fulfills your emotional needs.

- If I am fighting a certain change or emotion I need to ask myself why and dive deeper into the why it is bothering me and how to handle it.

He is focusing much more on the mental aspects than anything else right now with me. I feel drained and overwhelmed.

I am to start working on changing the following things:

- 3 meals. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. No snacks and no skipping meals.
- Track food, but don't worry about calories for now. I'm to eat and feel satisfied.
- No sweets or grains (breads, pasta, oatmeal, quinoa, potatoes of any kind, and corn to name a few). Since we are trying to reverse pre-diabetes this is key.
- try for a fruit and veggie at every meal.

He is pleased with how much I am working out and to up my workouts if I can without injuring myself.

I am not expected to be perfect. They want me to make baby steps. As long as I am making progress they will be happy. If I have any problems or frustrations I am to call them. They are there to help me.

Overall, I like the doctor as his staff. They are friendly and supportive. He lays no blame and doesn't shame. He genuinely wants to help.

Right now I am just nervous, scared, hopeful, and trying to be optimistic.

Ok, that's enough for tonight. I am going to post about the costume for Steampunk Sailor Jupiter tomorrow night.

Starting Over...again

A new year, a new start and I am feeling better about staying on track right now. Or at least being able to get back on after falling off. In October I joined a gym here and I absolutely love it. The facilities are awesome (yay for pools, hot tubs, and saunas!), and best of all the staff and the other patrons are super friendly. I love walking into a gym where everyone greets you with a smile. Too often as an overweight woman I have gotten dirty looks, heard snide comments, and a general sense of intimidation. It is nice to walk into a gym and not worry about those silly things. I just wish I have had more time (and made more time) over the past couple months to fully use it!

When I signed my membership one of the perks is 2 free one-hour training sessions with a personal trainer. Today I had my first session with Sandy and she was awesome! She was very enthusiastic, encouraging, and has such a bright personality you can't help but smile when you are with her. She seemed surprised at times about some of my fitness interests, but was impressed I think. The one that seemed to surprise her the most is that I love swimming. She thought I was meaning water aerobics, but was genuinely surprised when I said I love doing laps. Anyways, she got me started riding a bike for a warm up while we went over health history, physical issues, and my goals.

Here are my personal goals:

• Lose 35-40 pounds (a good goal to start as that will put me where I was 3 years ago)
• Learn the butterfly stroke (the one stroke I can't seem to master....my body doesn't like trying to swim like a mermaid. Who knew?)
• Working on strength training - pretty much my entire body, but especially my core
• Make it to the gym 3 times per week for 30 minutes of cardio, and if I get strength training in it is a bonus. This was one of Sandy's goals for me.

After I got home I got on SparkPeople for the first time in a while and restarted everything. While it is nice resetting goals and timelines, I forgot what a pain it is too. It resets the workout program I had had setup in there which I had liked, and it just takes a while to redo it. Oh well, at least it is easy enough to do, just time consuming. I also set some mini goals through SparkPeople to help get me started. It is to see how many days in a row I can do these. Lets hope I can keep it up this time. Here they are:

• Track calories eaten each day
• Go to the gym at least 3 times per week
• Read an inspirational quote each day

Right now I am just looking at starting small. I want to get into the habit of recording my food intake regularly before I start to panic over what I am eating. One step and one day at a time. I can do this!

Thanks Sandy for the awesome kick start today!

Thanks Marshall for your love and support.

Motivational quote of the day: "Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom" George S. Patton