2 1/2 Weeks Post-Op - Struggles & Updates

My two weeks off from work to recover flew by honestly. My recovery went really well, thankfully. I did much better than I expected too. I've been able to drink fairly easily without any nausea or vomiting, which is awesome. Overall I have felt really good physically.

Mentally, this has been rough. It's been especially rough the last few days. It all came to a head yesterday. It's been a combination of things. Diet, lack of progress, and my hormones being out of whack have all contributed to it. I'll get into the rough stuff below, then into the better stuff from today.

I'm almost 5 weeks into my liquid diet. I am so over it. Beyond over it. I want to actually chew something. For those who know me, I have a massive sweet tooth. I can't stand anything sweet at the moment. Also, my tastes are changing. Protein shakes and water enhancers I loved before surgery I can't stand now. It's not just that though. It started Wednesday and got really bad yesterday, but I don't like the taste of anything at the moment. Plain water, water with flavor, any of my protein shakes, the protein soup mix, jello, none of it. It all tastes bad. I can't describe the flavor and I really don't want to. I have to drink 3 shakes and get 50-60 ounces of liquids in a day, and I don't want any of it. So I'm literally choking down stuff to make sure I don't get dehydrated. To top it all off, I found out my lactose intolerance is back. Lucky me.

All of the food issues would be bearable if I was seeing some sort of progress, but I'm not. The scale hasn't moved the last week. It's basically a nice flat line on a graph within a 1lb. range. I'm also looking at my clothes and not seeing any changes there. This is beyond frustrating given all the work and pain I've gone through these last months.

One of the other fun side effects of surgery is it plays havoc with your hormones. First off, by removing 80% of the stomach, you are removing a lot of the area that produces and secretes the hunger hormone ghrelin. The stress of surgery puts all of your other hormones out of whack, including all of the lady hormones. It can cause your period to start early and make the mood swings worse. So this week has been a bit of hell for me. It hasn't been all that fun for my husband either.

Yes, I know I'm only 2 1/2 weeks out. Yes, I know it takes time. These are logical thoughts and great ones. I was telling them to myself last night in an effort to get out of my funk. My emotions did a big old "Screw you!" and ignored all scientific fact and logic.

All of this built up in my head over the last couple days and the dam broke last night. I was absolutely regretting the surgery last night. I know most everyone has seen this picture:



I didn't feel like I was carving my way out of this body. I felt more trapped than ever. I felt like I was trapped in this horrid cage of a body and clawing madly with no way out. It was not a good night.

I woke up feeling a little better today thankfully. I also had follow-ups with my surgeon and dietitian since I start solid foods next week.

I talked to Dr. Greene about everything. It's all normal. Because of my starting weight and how long I've been on the liquid diet, stalls at 2-3 weeks out are exceptionally common in his patients. He was expecting it. Since I'm starting on solid foods next week, I should start seeing the scale move soon.

It's also normal for tastes to change. I knew from research and talking to Dr. Greene that my tastes would change. I thought it was just what I would and wouldn't like, but it's not. It's even how food tastes in general. They aren't sure what causes the tastes to change. The current theory is that between removing a lot of the hunger hormones and the changes in the bacterial biome in your gut, your tastes change. He apologized for it being so rough, but it happens to almost everyone.

Overall he is very happy with my recovery. I have no hernias at my incision sites. I'm almost done with my blood thinner shots. Thank heaven. They cause the worst bruising. If anyone needs some ideas for a color palette for zombie makeup, I can send pictures for your Pinterest board. I'm calling my belly a zombie dalmatian.

The dietitian is pleased with my progress too. We went over what I can and can't have the next couple of weeks. I'll get into that in another post.

So yeah. I'm doing better than I thought I would be. In some ways, this is harder than I thought, and I knew it would be a struggle going in. Thankfully no one has told me I took the easy way out by doing this. The way I feel at the moment I would bitch them out until kingdom come if they did. There is nothing easy about this. Worth it (from all I've been told), but far from easy.

Back on track and feeling hopeful

I haven't posted in a long long time it feels like. The holidays got in the way initially, then I felt like I didn't really have anything to say, and then I didn't know how to articulate what I wanted to say. I know I needed help, but I didn't know what I needed help with or how to ask for it. Silly I know. The last 4 months or so I have been maintaining my weight. I have yet to figure out if I took a true maintenance break or if it was a plateau. At least I wasn't regaining weight.

I have slacked off on my workouts lately too. I've been battling a head cold and sinus infection the last couple weeks. Part of it is dealing with a knee injury. The irony is the non-runner has runner's knee. I've only had two PT appointments though and my knee is almost completely better! The other part of it was February and March blahs brought on by just getting tired of winter and deep in hibernation mode. All that means is I was feeling exceptionally anti-social due to seasonal depression. I'm not one to be out in the sun a lot, but damn I miss it when it disappears for a few days. On the upside I have been trying to go swimming a couple days a week with a friend, so that's been a lot of fun. It's been great girl time.

This last week I finally feel like I've gotten back on track with my eating. I bought a lot of easy foods for healthy and fast meals last week. Breakfast has been eggs, toast, and coffee. Lunch was low-carb wraps, with a variety of fresh veggies, fruit, and some cheese. Dinner has been a variety of things. I immediately started feeling good again and having more energy.  I also noticed that my craving for sweets diminished quite a bit too. I ended up having a great loss at TOPS this week as well. It was 2.25 pound if I remember right.

Friday I had a follow up with Dr. H. I am down 3 pounds from the last visit. Again we had a great discussion. He was concerned because it looked like my weight loss had slowed down quite a bit. So he brought up if I thought the Contrave was still working, and maybe changing it out with a different one. He was also concerned about costs for me, which I appreciate. In the discussion about other possible meds to try we went on to discussing changing up my eating habits. We talked about three different options.

1) Go down to two meals per day. I wouldn't be cutting out any calories, just the number of meals. I'm not sure how feasible this is during the work week for me, but on the weekends this usually ends up being the case anyways.

2) Change up my calorie distribution - make breakfast my biggest meal of the day, and dinner the smallest. Easy enough change to make.

3) Intermittent fasting - Going 24 hours without eating. He would like me try it one day a week and see how it goes. If I'm feeling up to trying a science experiment. Damn him speaking my language! haha

All 3 options have had a variety of studies done and have been shown to promote weight loss. Those who participate in intermittent fasting usually do it 3 days week (every other day) but it has been shown to be helpful with even one day a week.

The biggest part of our discussion surrounded option 2. There was a study published this last week that had very positive and amazing results. It was looking at type 2 diabetics and what happened if they had 6 small even sized meals versus 3 meals with breakfast being the largest and dinner the smallest. Both groups at the same amount of calories. The group that ate the 6 small meals ended up gaining 2kg over the 3 month study and using 2 units of insulin more per day. The group that ate the small dinner ended up LOSING 5kg and using 20 units LESS of insulin per day. That's a huge difference! Dr. H said they weren't sure if it's the large breakfast, the small dinner, or a combo of the two that helps with weight loss. While I don't have to worry about insulin use, I will definitely be giving this a try.

Towards the end of our meeting I went back to the earlier discussion about changing up the med. He said he wasn't going to for two reasons. The first is I didn't seem particularly excited about it. The second is that given some comments I made about eating mindfully and the like, the contrave is working. He said he thinks he was just making a mountain out of a mole-hill. The slight gain I had was over the holidays. We'll see how things go this next month and go from there.

I'm so happy I started seeing him. He seems to know exactly what I need to feel like I'm getting back on track and get me moving in the right direction again.

In other news I was a division winner in my TOPS chapter this last year. Each division is broken up by how much you weigh at the start of the year. I lost 26 pounds last year.

 

 So far things are looking up. I really want to try and do more blogging this year. I enjoy the writing as an outlet. Hopefully I can keep this going.

Learning self-love and forgiveness

I'm down 30 pounds. I actually hit it a few weeks back. I'm being so cautious about losing weight this time. It is so easy to dismiss 5, 10, and even 15 pounds lost. 5-10 can easily be gained or lost in a week depending on what you eat and, for us ladies, the time of the month it is. There was something in me about hitting 30 pounds lost. I am finally starting to feel the smallest bit of hope that I am doing it this time. Hope that I will get there, eventually. It's such a fragile bit of hope. I feel like I'm trying to get a wilted plant to grow and baby it along.

Marshall wanted a pic the other day to prove how tired I looked. We were both able to see my weight loss in my face.

It's a long, slow process this time. But it is so worth it. I'm doing it the right way. More importantly I'm doing it for the right reasons. Yes I want to wear clothes from "normal" stores. Yes I want to wear cute clothes. Yes I want to feel like a "normal" part of society and not deal with being fat-shamed anymore. Yes I want to feel good in my skin again. And hell yes, my health is at the top of this list. But my reason? I'm learning to love myself again. I was doing good years ago, and I am not sure what happened or when. I don't think it was one thing. However, I am back there now.

Some of it is being down 30 pounds. I won't lie. It feels great. More than that, it's the things I'm doing day to day that are making me feel amazing that are helping the most. I am noticing with my strength training, I'm walking taller. I'm not hunched over or looking at my feet as I walk. I'm holding my head up high again. I'm feeling better with the foods I am eating, and learning how to eat again.

I had a follow up with Dr. Hendrick a week and a half ago. It was a fantastic visit. I don't know if I had caught him on bad days previously or what, but he was laughing and joking with me. Part of me wonders if he had been reserved until he knew I was truly taking this seriously and after being 25 pounds down since starting with him he sees that I am serious. I don't know. We had an incredibly positive discussion about the eating habits I'm developing. We talked about how I am eating when I'm full. What eating to satisfaction means. And whether it is a healthy piece of fish or a decadent cupcake of just eating 80% of it to see if that satisfies me. Does it satisfy my hunger? Does it satisfy my cravings? He acknowledges that there are times we emotionally eat, it will happen. What we need to do is recognize when the food is no longer tasting good and allowing ourselves to stop and be ok.

I also find it funny that Marshall knows when I'm done before I do. I'll start looking at the food on my plate, usually unconsciously, and stare at the food. Mentally I'm just staring at it. Sometimes I wonder what I want next. Sometimes there's no thought there at all. Sometimes I know I'm within one or two bites to "done" and wondering what I want to finish with. Every single time Marshall looks at me and tells me I'm done. It's ok to to put the fork down and leave food on my plate. That's hard for me sometimes. I was raised in a household where you clear your plate. There's such an odd sense of freedom in being able to eat until I'm done and leaving it. Case in point, dinner tonight. We ordered calzones. I left just under half of my calzone. I was done. This never would have happened a year ago. I would have eaten until I was painfully full, and regretting it.

The other thing we talked about is learning my signals better. I haven't talked about it a whole lot to anyone, but I am taking a prescription med to help me. It is called Contrave. It is two different drugs combined into one. They were originally meant to help with addiction (smoking/drugs and alcoholism respectively). How they act is by one dulling the cravings and hunger signals, and the other making my satisfied and full signal louder. I still control what I put in my mouth, but it helps me battle the cravings for chocolate or just the urge to eat for no reason. Sadly insurance doesn't cover it, and I could rant on that for a while. However, for me it's working. It has helped with my cravings. It does help me recognize when I'm full. It's been a fantastic tool to help me learn my body again. When I do get hungry, I'm truly hungry. Well, most of the time. The cravings aren't gone completely.

I surprised Dr. Hendrick when I told him my reason for letting myself get to true hunger (belly growling LOUDLY). I need to know what true hunger actually feels like. I need to know it's ok to be hungry, and it's a natural signal. I know he is concerned with keeping me on track and not letting it start a binge. I respect that. However, he agreed with my reasoning and somewhat agrees. I also told him I want to go off the Contrave at some point soon, as an experiment. I need to see if I can start learning the signals my body naturally has. I don't want to be on the med forever. He agreed and reiterated I can go on and off the meds at any time. It's my journey and he is there to help me however. Dr. Hendrick also said what I have been experimenting with mindful eating, and he was impressed with what I have been doing on my own. The hospital here does some mindful eating classes, but I will miss a good portion of this session. I did get some links and book recommendations from the good doctor though.

When I mentioned this to Marshall, he had a surprising take on it. Marshall said he doesn't want to see me derail over the holidays. There are so many temptations around, and it's a stressful time at work. He doesn't want me to undo the hard work I have done. His opinion is to try after the first of the year. After much discussion, I agree with him. I will wait to try going off the meds until after the first of the year. When I first discussed it with Dr. Hendrick I hadn't even considered the upcoming holidays.

I will say the last couple of weeks, I've been glad to be on the Contrave though. We're coming up on a hard time of year for me. October is when my best friend growing up died. It's always rough on me. On Saturday I fly to Ireland with my best friend from college for a 10 day trip. Part of the trip is to finally say goodbye to her and hopefully get some closure. Grief is a funny thing, and I thought I was doing pretty good and pretty healed. I lied to myself. Big time. I've been on the verge of tears for weeks now. I've also been wanting nothing more than to binge. To eat like I used to. Because eating the point of over full, almost sickly full, numbs you. For a little bit. It's the same as drinking to forget in some ways. It's to numb you. I've given in some days, and others I haven't. I have recognized it for what is though, and it's been a surprisingly good thing.

Sometimes I give in and get a treat at lunch. Other times I can bargain with myself and wait until I get home to go to the sweets shop a block over and get something actually worth spending the calories on. Sometimes I eat peanut butter out of the jar stashed in my desk at work. But no matter what I have eaten to fulfill the emotional rawness right now, I've been trying so hard to be forgiving and gentle with myself. I've been trying to treat myself like I would anyone I love. It's helped a lot. It hasn't been easy, not by any means. Allowing myself to say that I want to emotionally eat because I am grieving and it's ok to eat a little is ok. As a result it hasn't resulted in any out right binges.

With that, I'm going to go work on more packing.

Minor set back and support

So it is about time I updated this thing with the results from the first weigh-in! I should say up front that I was extremely nervous about this weigh-in and truly did not want to step on the scale. Last week was that time of the month for me (and it is normal for me to gain around 5+ pounds of water weight) and my scale here at home was saying I had gained three pounds! Not what I wanted to think about when going in to get weighed for this contest. For those who have seen my Facebook post, there was no need to worry about it. I came in with an awesome loss of 8 pounds and 5.5 inches!! I am ecstatic. My trainer is too apparently. Since I did such a good job of blowing last weeks goal out of the water my weight loss goal for this week of 8 pounds. We shall see how I do with everything that has been going on.

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So I think I may have mentioned in my previous blogs that my back has been sore and hurting from overdoing it, even with trying to go easy by doing water aerobics and all. Tuesday night when I woke up to try and get ready for work, I couldn't get up. I was so sore in my low back I could not move. And I had slept so late that it was too late to go to Urgent Care and I didn't really want to pay the $200 copay to go to the ER. I had no idea what was wrong either, and to be honest it scared the hell out of me. I have had flare ups with my back problems before, but I had not been in pain like this since I first injured my back 7 years ago. I ended up not going in to work last night because I was in so much pain. It took me 10 minutes to walk to 15' or so to the bathroom. Not a good sign.

So this morning I went to Urgent Care. I went there initially when my vertigo started up and I really like the staff there. Everyone was friendly, caring, and sympathetic. I explained everything to the doctor seeing me and through the usual question and answer session (where he has to think all the bad thoughts) I do not have any pinched or damaged nerves causing my back pain. And even more to my relief it wasn't my back problems causing me issues either, I had just pulled a ton of muscles in my low back and hips so everything was extremely tight and tense. So I got some prescriptions for some amazing meds. A painkiller, a muscle relaxant, and ibuprofen as an anti-inflammatory. After Marshall and I got home from the doc I took my pills and crashed. Hard. I haven't slept that hard in a while, but it felt so good to not hurt! I decided to stay home from work tonight even though I was feeling a bit better. Since I crashed after taking my meds I didn't know how I would be on them. Would I just be loopy and a bit uncoordinated? Or would I have a lot of balance issues which can sometimes happen with muscle relaxants? The last thing I needed is to injure myself in the lab at work while trying to work with chemicals. Turns out I am kinda sleepy and giddy (mostly from the pain med I think). So all in all I am just relieved. My back is feeling loads better, I will be able to go back to work tomorrow night, and I can still go to the gym tomorrow.

For those wondering about the wisdom of going to the gym with this, I asked my doc about it when I was there earlier today. I explained how I thought I had triggered all of this mess (seated leg press machine) and that I was part of this contest. He thought the contest was cool and was very encouraging of my efforts. He said this was just a minor setback and we would have me up and working out properly again in no time. I just need to take it easy for while. Walking is ok, and he loved the fact that I like to do water aerobics and highly encouraged that. I am still ok to work out with Sandy as long as she knows my limitations and we work together so I don't overdo it. He didn't want to put me on restrictions because right now moving is better for me than sitting still. Over the next couple weeks I will be making sure to do a LOT more stretching at the end of my workouts, and I will definitely be checking out the yoga classes available through my gym.

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There have been a lot of things with this contest that have been pleasant surprises for me, but none more so than the support I have been getting from all over. Of course I am getting a ton of support from my parents, Marshall, his family, and my extended family. For my family that reads this, you don't know just how much all your love and support means to me. It is mind-blowing to me, and it shouldn't be.

I am also getting a lot of support from all my friends near and far. Whether it is through phone calls, email, or facebook. The encouragement and congratulations on my efforts so far has overwhelmed me. And again, it shouldn't!!

But the biggest surprise is the support from complete strangers. People coming up to me in the gym when they see me wearing my t-shirt for the challenge and telling me to keep up the good work or ask how I am doing. The folks at Chick-fil-a who have taken a bigger interest in this contest than I would have dreamed. My coworkers (ok, not complete strangers, but not my closest friends either). The doc and nurses at Urgent Care.

A lot of this would not have come about if I hadn't started writing this blog and putting it all out there for the world to read. It takes me a lot some days to tell what's going on because I don't like to always share with a lot of people what's going on. But this has helped to keep me accountable for what I am doing and gets me excited to share with people. It helps me keep my motivation up and my determination strong.

To everyone who supports me in this, thank you! This is just the start of the road still and a long way to go, but you all are amazing!