Giving myself permission

 I'm coming up on a year post-op. I haven't kept on this like I had planned and hoped, and then there was so much to say I didn't know where to start.

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been struggling with a lot with feeling like I should be farther along than I am. Some days are better than others, but it's there. I had thought about posting about this on some of the online groups I'm a part of, and just haven't. So I decided to ask in the virtual post-op support group meeting put on by my hospital.

The people in my group are so awesome and supportive as is the therapist who moderates the sessions.

I got a lot of great advice, but one thing the therapist caused a lightbulb moment.

I'm down 90 pounds from my highest, and 60 from surgery. I want to lose another 50-60 pounds. Even though I'm not where I want to be, that's ok. It's also ok to be proud of what I have done so far. It's ok to be proud of taking charge of my health. It's ok to be proud of myself, period. She said I need to learn to give myself permission to be proud. 

It's ok to give myself permission to be proud.

I have no idea why this struck me so hard. Of course it is ok. But sometimes we need to hear it from an outside source.

Other suggestions from folks in my group:

• Reread the letter I had to write as part of the approval  process for surgery
• Go buy some new clothes and get rid of the stuff that doesn't fit
• Keep track of Non-scale victories
• Go back and look at pictures
• Stop comparing myself to others

I do have a stack of clothes to sell and a stack to go donate.

I need to dig out my journal and write more NSV's down. I used to do that a lot, and I need to get back in the habit.

I haven't taken a lot of pictures the last 6 months because of the pandemic. I need to take more.

I will dig out my letter and reread that. I should also dig out the binder from the doc and refresh myself on some of that.

Remind myself  more to not compare myself to others. It's so hard to not do, but comparison is the thief of joy. This is my journey, and no one else's.

3 Month Update

For those who actually keep track of dates, my apology for this being nearly a week late. I was crazy busy last week getting ready for a craft show.

The last month has gone pretty well overall I think. Here are the current stats:

Total weight down - 55 pounds!

Since surgery - 32.8 pounds

Percent body weight lost - 16.9%

Total inches lost - 26

I'm feeling really good and moving a lot more. I'm starting to feel antsy and need to work off energy sometimes. I'm also able to go on longer walks, keep up with Marshall, and even just stand on my feet for more extended periods of time. This weekend I stood at my booth for almost the entire 6 hours.

I'm down 2 shirt sizes and now 2 pant sizes. Soon I won't have much in the way of work clothes left in my closet. Some of my clothes are truly starting to hang on me. It's a good problem, but I need to become much more friendly with my local thrift stores! I  may also check out Poshmark.

Food-wise, I'm cleared for all protein. This is awesome. I do ok with ground beef, but steaks are too heavy and rich for me right now. I eat so much chicken I think I'm going to start clucking soon. The only foods I can't have are fruits, potatoes, and grains. I need to stay on a lower-carb diet for a while yet. Once I hit my goal weight I can slowly start introducing them. Although I have had some fresh fruit at work as a sweet treat now and then. Much better than partaking in all the baked goods this time of year.

My tastes are still changing. I'm having to force myself to try foods I really didn't like before surgery. Some things are small and easier to try. Like the kale salads. But I don't know if or when I'll try canned tuna. But who knows? Salty and sour things are tasting better to me. I like slightly sweet alright. The few times I've tried a nibble some pre-surgery foods I can't stand it. Usually, it's too sweet, the texture is off, or it sits like a rock in my stomach. 

It's been an adjustment with cooking and eating post-op. I'm finding out what foods sit ok and that I want to eat as well as making food that Marshall wants to eat. We definitely don't eat out near as much as we used to. I still love to eat and go out to eat. I just have a hard time justifying the cost, especially in the DC area. A full-size dinner portion is now anywhere from 4-8 meals for me. You get sick of that stuff fast! There are some restaurants where I can order an appetizer that works for me, but even then that's 2-3 meals for me. It would be easiest to just share with Marshall, but sometimes he wants foods I can't have and that's ok. I'm not going to get upset when he wants something deep-fried when he's good about eating whatever I make at home.

I'm going to do some experimenting this week. I was looking in an air frying cookbook at Barnes and Noble and got some ideas to play with. We loved steak fingers or chicken strips, but I've been hesitant to do our homemade ones because I'm trying to watch the carb count. So this week I've gotten some pork rinds to grind up and use as the breading. We'll see how that turns out. Tonight I experimented with my shepherd's pie recipe. I made a traditional one for Marshall topped with mashed potatoes. I made individual portions for me that I topped with mashed cauliflower. They turned out really good and were just enough to satisfy me without being overfull. A total serving is about 3-4 ounces of food.

Shepherd's Pie with mashed cauliflower

Marshall's shepherd's pie

My hair loss finally just started slowing down this week. I'm not pulling as much out as I was when brushing it out in the evenings or after I shower. That said, there is hair EVERYWHERE in our apartment. I've been scared to vacuum because I know it will just wrap around the brush and cause an even bigger mess to clean up.

I'm not seeing the changes all of the time, but I'm seeing them more often. Feeling more bones and muscles, realizing that my kneecap actually exists and that I'm gaining flexibility definitely help. It also helps when I'm wearing clothes that I've never been able to wear, or worn once 6 years ago. I'm almost to the weight I was when I got married to Marshall and that makes me feel pretty good. 

Here's a comparison picture between June in Custer, SD on our road trip/move to MD and 2 weeks ago. It's the first time I've worn a button-down blouse in years.

Areas To Improve:

While I have been doing really well, I need to be more consistent with planning my meals and measuring my portions. It will help manage my hunger and blood sugar levels better.

I also need to get back to the gym. This last month has been crazy between work and personal stuff. I'm going Wednesday to check out one new gym in the area. I'm hoping to check out the other on Thursday or Friday. I'll go from there if I want to look at more gyms or go with one of those. The first 6 months after surgery are called the honeymoon phase and when weight loss is easiest. I'm doing great, but I feel I could be doing more to help myself. Even getting to the gym a couple days a week will help immensely. If for no other reason it will help manage my back pain. I can really tell when I haven't been working out. It's better than it was, but it still hurts like a bear.

If I don't post again before the new year, may your holidays be magical and full of love. May the New Year bring you all abundant blessings. I've been blessed this year with all the love and support I've received, and I could not be more grateful. To my dearest family and friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for me. 

2 1/2 Weeks Post-Op - Struggles & Updates

My two weeks off from work to recover flew by honestly. My recovery went really well, thankfully. I did much better than I expected too. I've been able to drink fairly easily without any nausea or vomiting, which is awesome. Overall I have felt really good physically.

Mentally, this has been rough. It's been especially rough the last few days. It all came to a head yesterday. It's been a combination of things. Diet, lack of progress, and my hormones being out of whack have all contributed to it. I'll get into the rough stuff below, then into the better stuff from today.

I'm almost 5 weeks into my liquid diet. I am so over it. Beyond over it. I want to actually chew something. For those who know me, I have a massive sweet tooth. I can't stand anything sweet at the moment. Also, my tastes are changing. Protein shakes and water enhancers I loved before surgery I can't stand now. It's not just that though. It started Wednesday and got really bad yesterday, but I don't like the taste of anything at the moment. Plain water, water with flavor, any of my protein shakes, the protein soup mix, jello, none of it. It all tastes bad. I can't describe the flavor and I really don't want to. I have to drink 3 shakes and get 50-60 ounces of liquids in a day, and I don't want any of it. So I'm literally choking down stuff to make sure I don't get dehydrated. To top it all off, I found out my lactose intolerance is back. Lucky me.

All of the food issues would be bearable if I was seeing some sort of progress, but I'm not. The scale hasn't moved the last week. It's basically a nice flat line on a graph within a 1lb. range. I'm also looking at my clothes and not seeing any changes there. This is beyond frustrating given all the work and pain I've gone through these last months.

One of the other fun side effects of surgery is it plays havoc with your hormones. First off, by removing 80% of the stomach, you are removing a lot of the area that produces and secretes the hunger hormone ghrelin. The stress of surgery puts all of your other hormones out of whack, including all of the lady hormones. It can cause your period to start early and make the mood swings worse. So this week has been a bit of hell for me. It hasn't been all that fun for my husband either.

Yes, I know I'm only 2 1/2 weeks out. Yes, I know it takes time. These are logical thoughts and great ones. I was telling them to myself last night in an effort to get out of my funk. My emotions did a big old "Screw you!" and ignored all scientific fact and logic.

All of this built up in my head over the last couple days and the dam broke last night. I was absolutely regretting the surgery last night. I know most everyone has seen this picture:



I didn't feel like I was carving my way out of this body. I felt more trapped than ever. I felt like I was trapped in this horrid cage of a body and clawing madly with no way out. It was not a good night.

I woke up feeling a little better today thankfully. I also had follow-ups with my surgeon and dietitian since I start solid foods next week.

I talked to Dr. Greene about everything. It's all normal. Because of my starting weight and how long I've been on the liquid diet, stalls at 2-3 weeks out are exceptionally common in his patients. He was expecting it. Since I'm starting on solid foods next week, I should start seeing the scale move soon.

It's also normal for tastes to change. I knew from research and talking to Dr. Greene that my tastes would change. I thought it was just what I would and wouldn't like, but it's not. It's even how food tastes in general. They aren't sure what causes the tastes to change. The current theory is that between removing a lot of the hunger hormones and the changes in the bacterial biome in your gut, your tastes change. He apologized for it being so rough, but it happens to almost everyone.

Overall he is very happy with my recovery. I have no hernias at my incision sites. I'm almost done with my blood thinner shots. Thank heaven. They cause the worst bruising. If anyone needs some ideas for a color palette for zombie makeup, I can send pictures for your Pinterest board. I'm calling my belly a zombie dalmatian.

The dietitian is pleased with my progress too. We went over what I can and can't have the next couple of weeks. I'll get into that in another post.

So yeah. I'm doing better than I thought I would be. In some ways, this is harder than I thought, and I knew it would be a struggle going in. Thankfully no one has told me I took the easy way out by doing this. The way I feel at the moment I would bitch them out until kingdom come if they did. There is nothing easy about this. Worth it (from all I've been told), but far from easy.

Trials and Errors

My summer up through the first part of July was busy. To be honest, I've just enjoyed having quiet time to myself the last month and a half.

As an update from my last entry, I'm feeling a lot better mentally. I still have moments of doubt and all, but it feels like "normal" doubt. Not the depression monster in my head. I've gotten back into a groove with my working out, but eating has been a real struggle. I saw my pulmonologist and we've gotten the pressures figured out. He had to lower them a bit for me. Part of my struggle now is sinus issues due to allergies and the smoke from wildfires. I feel like I am permanently congested and sneezing.

The last 4-6 weeks have been a challenge. I emailed Dr. Hendrick to ask about the other weight loss meds he was thinking of having me try. At our last appointment, we started talking more about it again. He wanted to kick start my weight loss again. I was wanting information from him to do some more research. He was honest with me and let me know which ones he was thinking of, but that the good information is hard to find. There's a lot of less than reputable sites that give half the facts. He said he would give me all the information I could need at our next appointment in mid-September. 

I felt like I just wasn't making progress. I have been lifting back at full weights and upping my weights week to week. It even got to the point that I was looking at weight loss surgery again. Even going so far as to see which of the three different types of procedures I thought would work best. It made me sad to think I needed to do that, even if the surgery is just another tool for me to use. It is not the easy way out.

I don't really remember how it came about, but I started doing more research on intermittent fasting. I don't know if it was a news article, something I saw on Facebook, or what. It is something Dr. Hendrick has been wanting me to try for a while. I was reading up on the science and theory behind it for fat loss. I decided what the heck. At the time I started it, I had a month before my next appointment. I might as well treat myself as a science experiment and see if it works. On a random Tuesday morning, I decided to try it. It has been two weeks, and so far, so good. There are several different ways to do intermittent fasting, but I have been fasting for 16 hours and have an 8-hour window to eat.

The theory is that after you finish eating for the night, your body is in a digestion phase anywhere from 8-12 hours. Anything after the 12-hour mark your body is fasting and will start using fat as fuel. Eating more lean protein does help the body using fat instead of muscle as fuel. 

Overall it hasn't been too bad. It's been great having one less meal to plan, and I don't feel as rushed in the mornings. I do still get coffee in the morning, I just have to limit the flavored creamer so the fast doesn't get broken early. Aside from a few days where I felt very run down and had a headache I have felt great and have had more energy. On the days I have felt like crap, I have broken my fast early and eaten a protein bar or a piece of fruit. I felt better shortly afterward. As always, listening to my body is key.

As for breaking my fast, I break it around lunchtime after I have my workout. I have a little bit more than I normally would at lunch and dinner, but not by that much. When all is said and done I've been averaging around 1800 calories per day with a range of 1500-2100 calories. It depends on how hard I worked out and how hungry I feel. It has also helped me face my fear of hunger and get over it. Well, for the most part. Having a growling stomach in meetings is not the best thing!

Other things from the last couple of weeks:

• I've dropped between 4-5 pounds. It depends on the day you look at my scale
• Huge difference in how my clothes fit. I have 2 pairs of pants that I dare not wear outside the house
• Pair of leggings purchased a year ago now fit. At the time I bought them they wouldn't go past mid-thigh
• Better attitude
• More focused at work
• I'm eating less at meals and feeling satiated sooner

So right now I'm feeling hopeful and finding some success. Right now I just want to get back under 300 pounds, and I am so freaking close. This week or next and I should be there. 

I have also found that I do best when weighing myself every day or every other day. I need the data points to keep me accountable. By keeping my food logs I can go back and see what caused a spike in my weight. Anything from eating, to that time of the month, to too many carbs can cause my weight to spike as much as 4 to 5 pounds in a single day. It helps to see the trend of it going down though and knowing that the weight will come back down. I've been using an app called Libra to help me with this. They have trending weight, average loss, and projected weight loss. It's handy and I like it.

Back on track and feeling hopeful

I haven't posted in a long long time it feels like. The holidays got in the way initially, then I felt like I didn't really have anything to say, and then I didn't know how to articulate what I wanted to say. I know I needed help, but I didn't know what I needed help with or how to ask for it. Silly I know. The last 4 months or so I have been maintaining my weight. I have yet to figure out if I took a true maintenance break or if it was a plateau. At least I wasn't regaining weight.

I have slacked off on my workouts lately too. I've been battling a head cold and sinus infection the last couple weeks. Part of it is dealing with a knee injury. The irony is the non-runner has runner's knee. I've only had two PT appointments though and my knee is almost completely better! The other part of it was February and March blahs brought on by just getting tired of winter and deep in hibernation mode. All that means is I was feeling exceptionally anti-social due to seasonal depression. I'm not one to be out in the sun a lot, but damn I miss it when it disappears for a few days. On the upside I have been trying to go swimming a couple days a week with a friend, so that's been a lot of fun. It's been great girl time.

This last week I finally feel like I've gotten back on track with my eating. I bought a lot of easy foods for healthy and fast meals last week. Breakfast has been eggs, toast, and coffee. Lunch was low-carb wraps, with a variety of fresh veggies, fruit, and some cheese. Dinner has been a variety of things. I immediately started feeling good again and having more energy.  I also noticed that my craving for sweets diminished quite a bit too. I ended up having a great loss at TOPS this week as well. It was 2.25 pound if I remember right.

Friday I had a follow up with Dr. H. I am down 3 pounds from the last visit. Again we had a great discussion. He was concerned because it looked like my weight loss had slowed down quite a bit. So he brought up if I thought the Contrave was still working, and maybe changing it out with a different one. He was also concerned about costs for me, which I appreciate. In the discussion about other possible meds to try we went on to discussing changing up my eating habits. We talked about three different options.

1) Go down to two meals per day. I wouldn't be cutting out any calories, just the number of meals. I'm not sure how feasible this is during the work week for me, but on the weekends this usually ends up being the case anyways.

2) Change up my calorie distribution - make breakfast my biggest meal of the day, and dinner the smallest. Easy enough change to make.

3) Intermittent fasting - Going 24 hours without eating. He would like me try it one day a week and see how it goes. If I'm feeling up to trying a science experiment. Damn him speaking my language! haha

All 3 options have had a variety of studies done and have been shown to promote weight loss. Those who participate in intermittent fasting usually do it 3 days week (every other day) but it has been shown to be helpful with even one day a week.

The biggest part of our discussion surrounded option 2. There was a study published this last week that had very positive and amazing results. It was looking at type 2 diabetics and what happened if they had 6 small even sized meals versus 3 meals with breakfast being the largest and dinner the smallest. Both groups at the same amount of calories. The group that ate the 6 small meals ended up gaining 2kg over the 3 month study and using 2 units of insulin more per day. The group that ate the small dinner ended up LOSING 5kg and using 20 units LESS of insulin per day. That's a huge difference! Dr. H said they weren't sure if it's the large breakfast, the small dinner, or a combo of the two that helps with weight loss. While I don't have to worry about insulin use, I will definitely be giving this a try.

Towards the end of our meeting I went back to the earlier discussion about changing up the med. He said he wasn't going to for two reasons. The first is I didn't seem particularly excited about it. The second is that given some comments I made about eating mindfully and the like, the contrave is working. He said he thinks he was just making a mountain out of a mole-hill. The slight gain I had was over the holidays. We'll see how things go this next month and go from there.

I'm so happy I started seeing him. He seems to know exactly what I need to feel like I'm getting back on track and get me moving in the right direction again.

In other news I was a division winner in my TOPS chapter this last year. Each division is broken up by how much you weigh at the start of the year. I lost 26 pounds last year.

 

 So far things are looking up. I really want to try and do more blogging this year. I enjoy the writing as an outlet. Hopefully I can keep this going.

Colorado 2017 State Recognition Days

It has been a very busy and long weekend. I had Friday off of work to head to Colorado Springs with my TOPS group for State Recognition Days. I had to pick up one of the ladies and we were on the road shortly after 7am. Thankfully I was able to avoid the worst of morning rush-hour traffic by taking E-470 instead of going through Denver. It is not secret that I absolutely hate driving in Denver. Anyways, we made it down there and let the festivities begin.

SRD is a time to celebrate. We celebrate how much the state lost as whole. We give awards to the division winners. For those unfamiliar with TOPS you are placed in a division based on your weight. There are also divisions for teens and those who have had weight loss surgery. Those who have lost the most weight each year are recognized as is the runner up. Then there is the graduation for those at goal and now Keeping Off Pounds Sensibly (KOPS) and the crowning of royalty. The state King and Queen are TOPS who have met their goal and are now KOPS and lost the most of anyone in the state to goal that year.

Here are this year's highlights:

• Two members of my chapter graduating to KOPS
• One of our new KOPS was the state Queen! We are so proud of her! She lost 83 pounds!
• Another member of our group was a state division winner with a 31 pound loss! We are very proud of her too.
• The before and after parade where people hold up their old too big clothes then show their current size. One gentleman has gone from a 7X to an XL! He has lost about 295 pounds so far and was a division winner this year too.
• Speeches from Barbara Cady, the President of TOPS. She is a funny and dynamic speaker to catches your attention and holds it firmly. You can't help but laugh hard at her stories, nod thoughtfully, loudly yell back when needed, and scramble to take notes.
• Speeches from KOPS and others about their weight loss journeys
• Workshops on engaging members of the chapter and keeping the chapter active.
• In 2016 the State of Colorado lost 6411.75 POUNDS!
• The men's division winners lost a total of 302.85 pounds in 2016.
• The women's division winners lost a total of 486.00 pounds in 2016.
• The newest KOPS had just reached goal 2 weeks before SRD
• The longest KOPS has been maintaining her weight for 46 consecutive years.

The very last thing before SRD ends is the graduation of the new KOPS, honoring of the current KOPS, and the Circle of Lights. After every current KOPS is recognized for the time they have been a KOPS the lights in the ballroom are turned off and they light little flashlights (they used to do candles) and some inspirational music is played. It is a moment to recognize the hard work it takes to maintain a weight loss and to inspire those working to get to goal. When the lights are brought back up each KOPS is to present a yellow rose to a TOPS. The rose represents the KOPS is a mentor, a friend, and someone who believes in the TOPS member when they don't believe in themselves. Carolyn, the leader of my chapter and newly graduated KOPS gave me her rose. I hope to be worthy of it.

It is amazing how TOPS recognizes those who have maintained their weight loss and the support they provide. It isn't a case of "you made goal and now you're done." From anything I have seen, maintaining is much harder than losing. But it is so worth it.

There are a lot of things about TOPS that are very outdated to me given the nature of the organization. Some things could be modernized to really help bring in more younger people. This is most clear when we get together for SRD. For all of that though, it's a fantastic group of people and a very inspiring weekend. I am so happy to be a part of the chapter I am in now.

Below are a few pictures of the weekend. Some pictures are mine, some were taken by other members of my chapter.

My yellow rose. Thank you Carolyn! I won't let you down!

Our new KOPS and Queen with our area captain who is also in our chapter. Three amazing ladies.

Colorado Queen runner up, King, and Queen

Past state royalty

Carol being crowned by former State King John. A very sweet moment as John is in my chapter too.

Kama receiving her award from Barb Cady

Kama as her story is being read.

KOPS graduation

Those in our chapter who went with Barb Cady and Regional Director.

And a quick update about me. I am down 10 pounds so far with the new doctor I am working with. I am down 16 pounds from my TOPS starting weight, and 23 pounds from the highest weight I have seen on the scale. My clothes are fitting a lot better, and I spent all day Friday pulling my jeans up. I am feeling better and sleeping better. It is a challenge some days. I was good almost all weekend being out of town, which was hard in more ways than one. I really wanted a crepe with my breakfast-for-dinner Friday night, but I stayed with my omelette, bacon, cottage cheese and fruit cup.

I had a big non-scale victory today. Our elevator was down when we went to breakfast. When we came home I didn't have to stop while climbing 4 flights of stairs. I was winded when we got up, but I didn't need to use my inhaler or feel like I was dying. I ended up doing the stairs again when I let a friend in for our gaming session this afternoon.

I'm off to meditate and bed. Thanks for reading!