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Wednesday, August 19, 2020

Random thoughts and struggles

 It's been a long time since I've written.  I've been intending to write and log this process so I can look back on it and remember. So I can see how far I've come. Maybe I can help someone else who wants to take this journey. Some of it is I don't know what to say. Some of it is I don't know how to say it. Some of it is that after my day at work I don't want to be on the computer anymore. Which is just a crap excuse because I get on to browse Reddit or play video games. 

The last 6 months have been a struggle. The pandemic has been hard. I felt like I was really hitting my stride with working out and eating, then everything shuts down. The gym did open back up in June, but I haven't felt comfortable going out. I'm not at too much of a risk, but I don't really feel like going swimming is worth the risk of getting Covid.

I'm getting antsy now though. I'm still supposed to swim 1500 meters in mid-October as part of the relay triathlon. I still want to do it. I know I can do it. I don't want to back down to 750 meters or quit at all. My mom has said as much that I should. I'm not even going into the issues behind her attitude on that. There's just too much to unpack there. 

I had been trying to get out and walk a couple times a week, but it just doesn't work out. Part of it is with summer the heat and humidity just aren't fun. The good thing I've noticed is that I don't immediately start sweating when I go outside now though. So that's been a nice change. Hell, I'm starting to enjoy the heat more now since I'm always cold. 

I have tried jogging on my runs too, but I haven't been consistent. I had gotten up to jogging 0.8 miles without stopping to walk or rest. I was so proud that day. 

I don't know what my issue is and why I'm struggling so hard.

I know I'm beating myself up that I should be farther along than I am at this point. I see what others have lost who had surgery at about the same time I did and I just get down. I get stuck in my own head. I'm down 90 pounds from my highest. I need to remind myself of that. I need to remind myself that I can fit into XL workout pants now and that I can get rid of my 3X pants.

Reading that last sentence, a lot of it doesn't seem real still. I still feel trapped in my body at times. The loose and sagging skin doesn't help matters. It pulls and hurts when I try to jog. I can't get into yoga poses. It makes it difficult to do flip turns in the pool. The rashes are the worst though. Being in a warmer and more humid area seems to make it so much worse. I know I can get surgeries to fix that though. It's just going to be some time before I get it.

I'm having a hard time feeling beautiful and sexy too. Part of that is due to the pandemic as well. I'm rocking the work mullet of a nice shirt and shorts or workout pants. I don't make much effort to do my hair. I've put on makeup twice since I started working from home. Once was for a BIG meeting at work. The second was to go out for a late anniversary celebration.

There's just so much running through my head and so much to unpack right now mentally. I don't know what to do. I don't know where my mental blocks are.

I'm scared I'm not going to get as much weight off as I wanted. I'm 60 pounds from the goal I wanted to try to hit. I'm so close and so far. 

I'm not sure if I want to journal here or actually write. I should probably find some good journaling prompts too. 

I feel lost and lonely tonight. 

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