Giving myself permission

 I'm coming up on a year post-op. I haven't kept on this like I had planned and hoped, and then there was so much to say I didn't know where to start.

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been struggling with a lot with feeling like I should be farther along than I am. Some days are better than others, but it's there. I had thought about posting about this on some of the online groups I'm a part of, and just haven't. So I decided to ask in the virtual post-op support group meeting put on by my hospital.

The people in my group are so awesome and supportive as is the therapist who moderates the sessions.

I got a lot of great advice, but one thing the therapist caused a lightbulb moment.

I'm down 90 pounds from my highest, and 60 from surgery. I want to lose another 50-60 pounds. Even though I'm not where I want to be, that's ok. It's also ok to be proud of what I have done so far. It's ok to be proud of taking charge of my health. It's ok to be proud of myself, period. She said I need to learn to give myself permission to be proud. 

It's ok to give myself permission to be proud.

I have no idea why this struck me so hard. Of course it is ok. But sometimes we need to hear it from an outside source.

Other suggestions from folks in my group:

• Reread the letter I had to write as part of the approval  process for surgery
• Go buy some new clothes and get rid of the stuff that doesn't fit
• Keep track of Non-scale victories
• Go back and look at pictures
• Stop comparing myself to others

I do have a stack of clothes to sell and a stack to go donate.

I need to dig out my journal and write more NSV's down. I used to do that a lot, and I need to get back in the habit.

I haven't taken a lot of pictures the last 6 months because of the pandemic. I need to take more.

I will dig out my letter and reread that. I should also dig out the binder from the doc and refresh myself on some of that.

Remind myself  more to not compare myself to others. It's so hard to not do, but comparison is the thief of joy. This is my journey, and no one else's.

Random thoughts and struggles

 It's been a long time since I've written.  I've been intending to write and log this process so I can look back on it and remember. So I can see how far I've come. Maybe I can help someone else who wants to take this journey. Some of it is I don't know what to say. Some of it is I don't know how to say it. Some of it is that after my day at work I don't want to be on the computer anymore. Which is just a crap excuse because I get on to browse Reddit or play video games. 

The last 6 months have been a struggle. The pandemic has been hard. I felt like I was really hitting my stride with working out and eating, then everything shuts down. The gym did open back up in June, but I haven't felt comfortable going out. I'm not at too much of a risk, but I don't really feel like going swimming is worth the risk of getting Covid.

I'm getting antsy now though. I'm still supposed to swim 1500 meters in mid-October as part of the relay triathlon. I still want to do it. I know I can do it. I don't want to back down to 750 meters or quit at all. My mom has said as much that I should. I'm not even going into the issues behind her attitude on that. There's just too much to unpack there. 

I had been trying to get out and walk a couple times a week, but it just doesn't work out. Part of it is with summer the heat and humidity just aren't fun. The good thing I've noticed is that I don't immediately start sweating when I go outside now though. So that's been a nice change. Hell, I'm starting to enjoy the heat more now since I'm always cold. 

I have tried jogging on my runs too, but I haven't been consistent. I had gotten up to jogging 0.8 miles without stopping to walk or rest. I was so proud that day. 

I don't know what my issue is and why I'm struggling so hard.

I know I'm beating myself up that I should be farther along than I am at this point. I see what others have lost who had surgery at about the same time I did and I just get down. I get stuck in my own head. I'm down 90 pounds from my highest. I need to remind myself of that. I need to remind myself that I can fit into XL workout pants now and that I can get rid of my 3X pants.

Reading that last sentence, a lot of it doesn't seem real still. I still feel trapped in my body at times. The loose and sagging skin doesn't help matters. It pulls and hurts when I try to jog. I can't get into yoga poses. It makes it difficult to do flip turns in the pool. The rashes are the worst though. Being in a warmer and more humid area seems to make it so much worse. I know I can get surgeries to fix that though. It's just going to be some time before I get it.

I'm having a hard time feeling beautiful and sexy too. Part of that is due to the pandemic as well. I'm rocking the work mullet of a nice shirt and shorts or workout pants. I don't make much effort to do my hair. I've put on makeup twice since I started working from home. Once was for a BIG meeting at work. The second was to go out for a late anniversary celebration.

There's just so much running through my head and so much to unpack right now mentally. I don't know what to do. I don't know where my mental blocks are.

I'm scared I'm not going to get as much weight off as I wanted. I'm 60 pounds from the goal I wanted to try to hit. I'm so close and so far. 

I'm not sure if I want to journal here or actually write. I should probably find some good journaling prompts too. 

I feel lost and lonely tonight. 

6 Month Update

This week marks 6 months post-op. Time has flown so fast. Here's where things stand currently:

Total weight lost - 71.8 lbs
Lost since surgery - 49.8 lbs.
Percent weight lost - 21.8%
Total inches lost - 33.5

Between my last post and now I'm shy of 20 pounds lost in 3 months. I have to keep telling myself it's not just "only" 20 pounds lost. I'm still in the supposed honeymoon phase and supposed to be losing around 10 pounds a month. It's been one of my mental blocks for the last couple of months. I'm slowly working around it.

It's odd when I sit here and say to myself I've only lost so much weight when I look at the total amount I have lost a lot. It's also been rough mentally because I don't see it a lot of the time. I'm still wearing old clothes because they still fit. Although just barely in some cases. It's left me guessing if it's the style of clothes I purchased or if they fit that bad on me 6 months ago. I think it's a bit of both if I'm honest. Some days I see it. Some days I don't. It's kind of what it is at this point. I think it's going to stay this way for a while.

The biggest struggle recently is just the number on the scale. Not the fact that I'm not as low as I want. It's more of the fact, I'm closest to the lowest I've been in my adult life. The last time I was in the 250s was when I was still living in South Dakota and had first joined T.O.P.S. Getting under 250 will be a huge milestone for me. It has lead to a mental block and scares me at the same time. I have tried and failed so many times. To get past this number will be a relief and I know it's not just going to be for "now". I don't feel like I'm explaining it well.

There's also a lot of unknowns on the other side of that number. I do truly see it as a wall in my mind to get over. Or maybe under, around or through. Who the hell knows. I'm just tired of the mental struggles with it. It even led to me eating things I wasn't supposed to and I know that played into my stall. I also wasn't tracking my food. Now that I've gotten back on track the last couple weeks the scale is moving in the right direction.

Aside from the usual mental games I play with myself, things are going really good. Dr. Greene is really pleased with how well my scars are healing and my general progress. I need to do my best to stay away from grains and fruits still even though I can eat them in small quantities. As for other foods, I can eat damn near anything and be ok. I'm finding chicken, ground turkey, and fish sit best in my new tummy. Steak is far too heavy and sits like a rock. Ground beef is ok. It depends if I've cooked it into something like burritos or if it's a burger.

I joined a gym at the beginning of the year. I've been missing not going the last 10 days. At first, it was because I was getting some of my scarves ready to sell at a convention this weekend. So I was focused on that.  Then with the coronavirus starting to spread so quickly, I decided it was best to stay away as gyms can be very gross. Which bums me out a bit. I've gotten back into swimming and I'm loving it more than ever before.

Right now I'm swimming about 1400m in an hour. In October I'm doing the swimming portion of a triathlon relay with a team from work. I'll have to swim 1900m. So I've been working on endurance mostly. But it's still so easy for me to get lost in the swim and not realize an hour has gone by. I've also been getting back into strength training which is helping me swim faster. So all around I'm loving my workouts.

Here are some of the other non-scale victories I've had over the past 6 months:

• Better balance
• Not getting winded walking up 3 flights of stairs
• Lunges don't hurt my knees anymore (or at least as much)
• Wrap a towel completely around me
• Smaller shoe size (from 9-9.5 to 8-8.5)
• Ring size from 8 to 5.5
• Less low back pain
• Can buy XXL shirts and skirts it the normal sizes section
• Had to move the seat forward in my car
• Discovering I actually have collar bones and a tailbone (note: I have to be careful how I sit and for how long)
• Finding I do, in fact, have knees
• Feeling more comfortable in pictures
• Playing a game of "do I still like this food?" or "will I like this food"
• Daring to take part in a triathlon - even as just part of a relay
• Can walk for several miles without issue and not be dead afterwards

This morning I also got a notification when I put in my weight into MyFitnessPal. I didn't realize I was so close to the halfway point, and I'm actually at 51% of the way to my goal weight. That blew my mind. Then I started thinking and realized I'm less than 40 pounds away from the top end of the range I set as my goal range. I put in a 40-pound range because I didn't know where my body would end up being happy and what would be maintainable. To actually feel so close to goal is....different. I can't explain it beyond that.

That's it for now. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. :)

July 2019

February 2020