Thursday, September 29, 2016

You Should Be Here

So tonight was a bit of a rough night at TOPS. It wasn't because I had a 3.5 pound gain (I chalk that up to starting strength training and this usually happens). It was because of what another member shared.

Jim (name changed for privacy) joined just very recently. It has only been 4-6 weeks since he joined us. He joined a week after having a heart scare and having a stint put in. He went into the ER on the 1st anniversary of his brother dying. He doesn't ever want to see his wife look that scared again or leave his kids and grand kids without him. He has been a bit of inspiration to us already. His goal is this next year to hike a 14-er (a 14000' mountain peak) here in Colorado. He wants to do it on the year of his heart scare, 2 year anniversary of his brothers death, and 5th anniversary of the last time he hiked a 14-er with his son.

Tonight he shared a video with us. His daughter first heard this song the day after he got out of the hospital and she thought of him. She didn't tell him right away because he doesn't like country music. When she finally did have him listen to the song he was shaken. It is "You Should Be Here" by Cole Swindell.

He wrote it when his dad died suddenly and hasn't been there to celebrate with Cole for all of his successes.The video starts with Cole calling his Dad that he just got signed to a record deal.

By the end of the video I had tears streaming down my face. It wasn't just the song, which is very touching itself. It's my own someone who should be here.

July 13, 2013

That date is the day Cole signed his contract.

That date is the day I married Marshall.

Renae should have been there.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year.
It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this
You should be here.

This October will mark 16 years since my childhood best friend died in her sleep at the age of 19.

There are so many things she has missed and should have been there for. There are so many things I should have been there for too.

College graduations. Dream trips taken. Weddings. Funerals. Failures. Successes. All of it. And it has been so damned hard.

I am so grateful to every single friend in my life. I don't take any of them for granted. I may be clingy at times, I know this. It comes from a place of caring, and knowing just how much I would miss these people in my life if they were gone. I am just grateful that the barriers to new friends I had put up have been broken down and have allowed me to make the amazing and incredible friends I have now.

And as anyone who knows me knows, I am good at putting happy face on and not showing just what's going on. Or brushing it off. Only those closest to me can see through the bullshit. Marshall is especially good at seeing through my bullshit. Which is awesome and frustrating by equal measures.

That facade shattered tonight. I broke in my TOPS meeting trying to explain why this song cut to my core.

I know I haven't truly dealt with her death. I don't talk about it or her. It's hard to, especially to anyone who didn't know her. I don't like bringing it up with anyone who did know her because I don't like feeling like I am lingering in the past. I don't want to be a burden. So I bottle it up inside. I have made it point to do my best to live in the now, not the past or the hazy someday. But the future is uncertain. The past holds hard memories and pain, but it also holds good memories.

So I came home from TOPS and walked into my husband's arms and sobbed. I sobbed in a way I haven't in years. He held me and rocked me gently as I soaked his shoulder. In the midst of my breaking at TOPS and the sobs on Marshall's shoulder I have realized I need to do better. I will be better. I need to honor Renae's memory in ways that I haven't. I need to honor myself and be healthy and let go.

Weight loss is as much mental and emotional as it is physical. I end up sabotaging myself somehow with my weight loss attempts. Usually in my fear of being diagnosed with diabetes and thinking of Renae. There are other things, but the memories of Renae and dealing with her death are at the top of the list.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. I think the physical part is going to be easier than the mental part.

With the anniversary coming up this would be a good time to try and lay some of this to rest. I am not sure how much I will post here or not. I have a hard time laying my soul bare for anyone to read. Tonight it was easier to type than try to write.

All I know is she should be here.

The day of our high school graduation.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Quiet Sunday

So it's been a little over a week with trying to get back on track, and overall it's been really good. I didn't work out at all Friday and Saturday, and it was nice to have a break. It was odd though because I was already missing it. I'm seeing some immediate results too. My clothes are starting to fit better. I lost 3 pounds this week at TOPS. I was really surprised too. I was fully expecting a pound or so gain. I usually do when I start lifting weights. Since I was expecting it, I wasn't worried about it. I figured I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and it will show eventually. Because more than a number on the scale I'm having some other benefits as well.
  • I'm sleeping better - the length of time I'm sleeping, how deep I'm sleeping, and how restless I am not in the night (I'm not tossing and turning as much).
  • I have more energy during the day. I want to get up and take a break at work for a short walk
  • I'm more productive at work and I am having an easier time focusing on my tasks
  • My feet and ankles aren't as swollen
  • I don't hurt as much. My hips are still giving me issues, but that's the nature of having a desk job. My back is feeling better so definitely a big step in the right direction
  • I'm feeling more at peace with my body and comfortable in my skin. This makes me so damn happy it's unreal.
  • I feel calmer and happier
This is all just after a week and thinking off the top of my head. So it will be fun to see what the coming weeks bring.

Today was a nice quiet Sunday. I got together with a dear friend of mine to workout. We haven't seen each other much since she got a promotion at work and has been crazy busy. Needless to say we didn't do much working out, maybe 20 minutes. But we spent about 5 hours hanging out, catching up and nerding out. Marshall and I introduced her to Savage Worlds (a role-playing game similar to Dungeon and Dragons) and she had a blast. Hopefully we'll be able to hang out more soon, whether we game or not.

Other than that, just enjoyed the fall weather and some home made stew. Off to go read and relax.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Chugging along

I haven't posted in a while for several reasons. Part of it is life has been busy and part of it is I didn't want to jinx the tiny bit of progress I have been making. It's hard to write when I don't feel good and I know I haven't been doing well.

A few posts back a reader commented I should start listening to the Half Size Me podcast and I have been, and I have been enjoying it. Most of the posts are pretty good, and there have been a few duds. When someone starts spouting off bad science I just can't listen anymore. Mostly the people have been taken in by false information or pseudo-science, and I hate listening to it. I have been there with weight loss fads, and eating trends. A lot of these sound reasonable and on the surface make sense and they seduce you in. But they don't hold up to scientific research out there.

That being said, I have gained a lot of inspiration from the guests she has had on and ideas. Last week I made it a goal to go twice in the week to the gym, aside from my power yoga class, and work out. I specifically wanted to go on my lunch hour. I would get away from work for a bit and when I got home I could just relax. I have such a hard time once I get home to find any motivation. I made it three days and once to the gym upstairs over the weekend.

I love having the gym upstairs, but I am trying to use my gym membership more. I am already paying for it, so might as well use it. I also have a program through my health insurance that if I go twelve times in a month I get $20 credit towards a gift card to a store of my choice. I'm saving up for an amazon gift card to get some boots I want.

So at the gym I have been doing a warm up for about 5-10  minutes and then alternating days of doing strength training with my upper or lower body. I've been a little sore but not too bad. My semi-regular yoga must be doing something. I am not as weak as I thought I would be, especially with my upper body. So that makes me happy.

My hips are also hurting less at night and I'm sleeping better in general. More good things!

My eating is OK. Mostly I'm trying to just cut back on calories at this point without going to nuts on any particular eating plan. I scaled back on my weekly goal a bit too. I had put I wanted to lose 2 pounds per week in MyFitnessPal and that put me at about 1800 calories for the day. It was really hard for me to stay under that and when I would stay under it I was always hungry. No matter what I ate I was hungry. I hate feeling that way and I was really tearing myself down about it. Also, because I was hungry, I would binge and usually at night before bed. So I played with the goals a little bit and I have it set to 1.
5 pounds per week and I have a calorie goal of approximately 2200 calories. I still go over a little some days, but not nearly as badly (50 calories versus 500 calories). At the end of the day it's about the same amount of calories, but it isn't playing mind games with me. I feel a little bit freer in what I choose to eat and don't agonize over meals. Food should be enjoyed, not fretted over.

With that, here's a gloomy stormy picture of the mountains as I worked out this weekend. I'm off to take a hot bath and read.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

A tool is just a tool, unless it does the job by itself.

I had to do a program for T.O.P.S. last week and I have been meaning to post it here because it turned out really well.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Lots of emotions

I have been feeling very down about my weight, my attempts at getting healthier and everything that revives around it. And I figured it out tonight. I am feeling very very alone. 

I know I am not, but it is hard lately to see that. 

I ask for help from my husband and friends and I get enthusiastic responses to help. And, for the most part it falls to the wayside. I know my friends especially have their own lives, and I don't begrudge them that. 

But it feels like no one will believe me when I say I want to make it work.

The fat one is making another feeble and futile attempt. I'll fail. Just like I have been since I started dieting at age 11. 

Is this going through their heads? Probably not. My friends aren't that way. At least not without good reason.

I am just sick of feeling alone on this road. And having to care. And pick myself up and continue on when I stumble. I don't want to be carried...but a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on would be nice.
I'll find the strength somewhere and do it. I just don't know when or how.

I am also feeling pulled in two different directions primarily.

I need to lose weight for X reasons! X = healthy reasons, selfish reasons, shallow reasons, good reasons and bad reasons. Pick for X.

I need to love my body as is and by fat, sassy and happy self.

Am I happy with where my life is? Hell yes. Am I happy with me? Hell. No.

I have been reading a lot of body positivity stuff lately, and it's great! I do agree that all women need to embrace who they are physically, spiritually and emotionally. Regardless of weight, height, or race we need to embrace ourselves and our lives.

But there is a part of the body positivity movement that's a bit....nutso as well. On one side you have the skinny nuts (I won't call them health nuts) saying that "To be happy you need to be a size 0". On the other you have the body positivity group saying "Don't listen to them! You are gorgeous as you are! Do what makes you happy! Eat cake, do nothing, swim, hike, drink! But don't go by THEIR rules. Don't fight your body so hard! You're fine! <insert dismissive hand-waving here>".

Maybe I have gotten their intent wrong, but it doesn't feel that way. I have been doing what I thought would make me happy and it isn't. And I need to find the balance somewhere between these two sides. I don't think either one is 100% right.

Aside from the fact I won't be size 0 unless I get some horrible disease, I don't want to be. I am curvy and I love it. But I know with all my struggles in weight loss and the few fad diets (I have done far fewer than I could have) I have done I have screwed myself over. I have a long road ahead of me.

I guess what it comes down to, ultimately, is I want to be comfortable in my own skin again. When I first met Marshall I felt very confident and pretty. Now? Not as much.

And I am going to end this here for now. I could keep rambling on, and tonight that would lead to some dark and dreary places that I don't want to go to.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Well hello there! I still have a blog!

It has been so long since I have posted. It hasn't been that I haven't wanted to. In fact some nights I want to quite a bit. Some nights the words don't come. Sometimes I don't have anything interesting to say. Mostly I haven't wanted to share the thoughts I have had. I've been working through a lot in the last year, and it's been hard.

Honestly I wouldn't have written tonight if it weren't for someone commenting yesterday on one of my last posts.

I realized just how much I missed writing.

So here I sit, listening to music and writing.

As for what has been going on...

I quit doing DDPYoga, and for a lot of reasons. While I enjoyed the workouts, he doesn't do a proper warm up or emphasize proper form. Form is so key when doing yoga so you don't injure yourself. It doesn't matter if it is the most basic poses or a handstand. I got sick of the changing of the names of the poses, it served no purpose other than to assuage the guys who can't stand more feminine words. And the Facebook became a cult. If you weren't eating organic, locally grown, and following the meal plan to a T you were berated. I could go on for a while on it all, but I won't. To put it simply I am putting it behind me. I am going to my local gym and the gym in my complex, eating healthier, and am happy.

I had a lot of mental struggles in the last year and half to two years. Between the death of a childhood friend, parents in and out of the hospital and some of my own issues it was hell. To the point it was affecting my work. The biggest problem was solved when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Once I got on my meds it felt like I had walked out of a fog. I could think and focus again. I had energy again. It was amazing!

As for the rest of my quest for health, I may blog about it more at some point. I'm not really ready to trudge down that rabbit hole yet. Especially tonight.

So, I will focus on happy things.

Next week I am going on vacation and we are taking my nephew for a week. I know he is beyond excited, and honestly so are we. He is a growing nerd, and we need to encourage it. We have a lot of plans, but the highlights are taking him to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science and the Denver Comic Con.

I got my serger sewing machine up and running. There are so many possibilities right now! Clothing for me to wear to work. Costumes for the ren faire, and cosplaying at the comic cons.

I got a promotion at work into a different department. I have so much less stress it is unbelievable, and I really like what I do right now. Yay!

Also coming up are other get togethers with friends and family, my birthday, and general summer fun.

And with that, I'm off to bed. Night all!