Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Lots of emotions

I have been feeling very down about my weight, my attempts at getting healthier and everything that revives around it. And I figured it out tonight. I am feeling very very alone. 

I know I am not, but it is hard lately to see that. 

I ask for help from my husband and friends and I get enthusiastic responses to help. And, for the most part it falls to the wayside. I know my friends especially have their own lives, and I don't begrudge them that. 

But it feels like no one will believe me when I say I want to make it work.

The fat one is making another feeble and futile attempt. I'll fail. Just like I have been since I started dieting at age 11. 

Is this going through their heads? Probably not. My friends aren't that way. At least not without good reason.

I am just sick of feeling alone on this road. And having to care. And pick myself up and continue on when I stumble. I don't want to be carried...but a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on would be nice.
I'll find the strength somewhere and do it. I just don't know when or how.

I am also feeling pulled in two different directions primarily.

I need to lose weight for X reasons! X = healthy reasons, selfish reasons, shallow reasons, good reasons and bad reasons. Pick for X.

I need to love my body as is and by fat, sassy and happy self.

Am I happy with where my life is? Hell yes. Am I happy with me? Hell. No.

I have been reading a lot of body positivity stuff lately, and it's great! I do agree that all women need to embrace who they are physically, spiritually and emotionally. Regardless of weight, height, or race we need to embrace ourselves and our lives.

But there is a part of the body positivity movement that's a bit....nutso as well. On one side you have the skinny nuts (I won't call them health nuts) saying that "To be happy you need to be a size 0". On the other you have the body positivity group saying "Don't listen to them! You are gorgeous as you are! Do what makes you happy! Eat cake, do nothing, swim, hike, drink! But don't go by THEIR rules. Don't fight your body so hard! You're fine! <insert dismissive hand-waving here>".

Maybe I have gotten their intent wrong, but it doesn't feel that way. I have been doing what I thought would make me happy and it isn't. And I need to find the balance somewhere between these two sides. I don't think either one is 100% right.

Aside from the fact I won't be size 0 unless I get some horrible disease, I don't want to be. I am curvy and I love it. But I know with all my struggles in weight loss and the few fad diets (I have done far fewer than I could have) I have done I have screwed myself over. I have a long road ahead of me.

I guess what it comes down to, ultimately, is I want to be comfortable in my own skin again. When I first met Marshall I felt very confident and pretty. Now? Not as much.

And I am going to end this here for now. I could keep rambling on, and tonight that would lead to some dark and dreary places that I don't want to go to.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Well hello there! I still have a blog!

It has been so long since I have posted. It hasn't been that I haven't wanted to. In fact some nights I want to quite a bit. Some nights the words don't come. Sometimes I don't have anything interesting to say. Mostly I haven't wanted to share the thoughts I have had. I've been working through a lot in the last year, and it's been hard.

Honestly I wouldn't have written tonight if it weren't for someone commenting yesterday on one of my last posts.

I realized just how much I missed writing.

So here I sit, listening to music and writing.

As for what has been going on...

I quit doing DDPYoga, and for a lot of reasons. While I enjoyed the workouts, he doesn't do a proper warm up or emphasize proper form. Form is so key when doing yoga so you don't injure yourself. It doesn't matter if it is the most basic poses or a handstand. I got sick of the changing of the names of the poses, it served no purpose other than to assuage the guys who can't stand more feminine words. And the Facebook became a cult. If you weren't eating organic, locally grown, and following the meal plan to a T you were berated. I could go on for a while on it all, but I won't. To put it simply I am putting it behind me. I am going to my local gym and the gym in my complex, eating healthier, and am happy.

I had a lot of mental struggles in the last year and half to two years. Between the death of a childhood friend, parents in and out of the hospital and some of my own issues it was hell. To the point it was affecting my work. The biggest problem was solved when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Once I got on my meds it felt like I had walked out of a fog. I could think and focus again. I had energy again. It was amazing!

As for the rest of my quest for health, I may blog about it more at some point. I'm not really ready to trudge down that rabbit hole yet. Especially tonight.

So, I will focus on happy things.

Next week I am going on vacation and we are taking my nephew for a week. I know he is beyond excited, and honestly so are we. He is a growing nerd, and we need to encourage it. We have a lot of plans, but the highlights are taking him to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science and the Denver Comic Con.

I got my serger sewing machine up and running. There are so many possibilities right now! Clothing for me to wear to work. Costumes for the ren faire, and cosplaying at the comic cons.

I got a promotion at work into a different department. I have so much less stress it is unbelievable, and I really like what I do right now. Yay!

Also coming up are other get togethers with friends and family, my birthday, and general summer fun.

And with that, I'm off to bed. Night all!