Thursday, September 29, 2016

You Should Be Here

So tonight was a bit of a rough night at TOPS. It wasn't because I had a 3.5 pound gain (I chalk that up to starting strength training and this usually happens). It was because of what another member shared.

Jim (name changed for privacy) joined just very recently. It has only been 4-6 weeks since he joined us. He joined a week after having a heart scare and having a stint put in. He went into the ER on the 1st anniversary of his brother dying. He doesn't ever want to see his wife look that scared again or leave his kids and grand kids without him. He has been a bit of inspiration to us already. His goal is this next year to hike a 14-er (a 14000' mountain peak) here in Colorado. He wants to do it on the year of his heart scare, 2 year anniversary of his brothers death, and 5th anniversary of the last time he hiked a 14-er with his son.

Tonight he shared a video with us. His daughter first heard this song the day after he got out of the hospital and she thought of him. She didn't tell him right away because he doesn't like country music. When she finally did have him listen to the song he was shaken. It is "You Should Be Here" by Cole Swindell.

He wrote it when his dad died suddenly and hasn't been there to celebrate with Cole for all of his successes.The video starts with Cole calling his Dad that he just got signed to a record deal.

By the end of the video I had tears streaming down my face. It wasn't just the song, which is very touching itself. It's my own someone who should be here.

July 13, 2013

That date is the day Cole signed his contract.

That date is the day I married Marshall.

Renae should have been there.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year.
It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this
You should be here.

This October will mark 16 years since my childhood best friend died in her sleep at the age of 19.

There are so many things she has missed and should have been there for. There are so many things I should have been there for too.

College graduations. Dream trips taken. Weddings. Funerals. Failures. Successes. All of it. And it has been so damned hard.

I am so grateful to every single friend in my life. I don't take any of them for granted. I may be clingy at times, I know this. It comes from a place of caring, and knowing just how much I would miss these people in my life if they were gone. I am just grateful that the barriers to new friends I had put up have been broken down and have allowed me to make the amazing and incredible friends I have now.

And as anyone who knows me knows, I am good at putting happy face on and not showing just what's going on. Or brushing it off. Only those closest to me can see through the bullshit. Marshall is especially good at seeing through my bullshit. Which is awesome and frustrating by equal measures.

That facade shattered tonight. I broke in my TOPS meeting trying to explain why this song cut to my core.

I know I haven't truly dealt with her death. I don't talk about it or her. It's hard to, especially to anyone who didn't know her. I don't like bringing it up with anyone who did know her because I don't like feeling like I am lingering in the past. I don't want to be a burden. So I bottle it up inside. I have made it point to do my best to live in the now, not the past or the hazy someday. But the future is uncertain. The past holds hard memories and pain, but it also holds good memories.

So I came home from TOPS and walked into my husband's arms and sobbed. I sobbed in a way I haven't in years. He held me and rocked me gently as I soaked his shoulder. In the midst of my breaking at TOPS and the sobs on Marshall's shoulder I have realized I need to do better. I will be better. I need to honor Renae's memory in ways that I haven't. I need to honor myself and be healthy and let go.

Weight loss is as much mental and emotional as it is physical. I end up sabotaging myself somehow with my weight loss attempts. Usually in my fear of being diagnosed with diabetes and thinking of Renae. There are other things, but the memories of Renae and dealing with her death are at the top of the list.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. I think the physical part is going to be easier than the mental part.

With the anniversary coming up this would be a good time to try and lay some of this to rest. I am not sure how much I will post here or not. I have a hard time laying my soul bare for anyone to read. Tonight it was easier to type than try to write.

All I know is she should be here.

The day of our high school graduation.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Quiet Sunday

So it's been a little over a week with trying to get back on track, and overall it's been really good. I didn't work out at all Friday and Saturday, and it was nice to have a break. It was odd though because I was already missing it. I'm seeing some immediate results too. My clothes are starting to fit better. I lost 3 pounds this week at TOPS. I was really surprised too. I was fully expecting a pound or so gain. I usually do when I start lifting weights. Since I was expecting it, I wasn't worried about it. I figured I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and it will show eventually. Because more than a number on the scale I'm having some other benefits as well.
  • I'm sleeping better - the length of time I'm sleeping, how deep I'm sleeping, and how restless I am not in the night (I'm not tossing and turning as much).
  • I have more energy during the day. I want to get up and take a break at work for a short walk
  • I'm more productive at work and I am having an easier time focusing on my tasks
  • My feet and ankles aren't as swollen
  • I don't hurt as much. My hips are still giving me issues, but that's the nature of having a desk job. My back is feeling better so definitely a big step in the right direction
  • I'm feeling more at peace with my body and comfortable in my skin. This makes me so damn happy it's unreal.
  • I feel calmer and happier
This is all just after a week and thinking off the top of my head. So it will be fun to see what the coming weeks bring.

Today was a nice quiet Sunday. I got together with a dear friend of mine to workout. We haven't seen each other much since she got a promotion at work and has been crazy busy. Needless to say we didn't do much working out, maybe 20 minutes. But we spent about 5 hours hanging out, catching up and nerding out. Marshall and I introduced her to Savage Worlds (a role-playing game similar to Dungeon and Dragons) and she had a blast. Hopefully we'll be able to hang out more soon, whether we game or not.

Other than that, just enjoyed the fall weather and some home made stew. Off to go read and relax.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Chugging along

I haven't posted in a while for several reasons. Part of it is life has been busy and part of it is I didn't want to jinx the tiny bit of progress I have been making. It's hard to write when I don't feel good and I know I haven't been doing well.

A few posts back a reader commented I should start listening to the Half Size Me podcast and I have been, and I have been enjoying it. Most of the posts are pretty good, and there have been a few duds. When someone starts spouting off bad science I just can't listen anymore. Mostly the people have been taken in by false information or pseudo-science, and I hate listening to it. I have been there with weight loss fads, and eating trends. A lot of these sound reasonable and on the surface make sense and they seduce you in. But they don't hold up to scientific research out there.

That being said, I have gained a lot of inspiration from the guests she has had on and ideas. Last week I made it a goal to go twice in the week to the gym, aside from my power yoga class, and work out. I specifically wanted to go on my lunch hour. I would get away from work for a bit and when I got home I could just relax. I have such a hard time once I get home to find any motivation. I made it three days and once to the gym upstairs over the weekend.

I love having the gym upstairs, but I am trying to use my gym membership more. I am already paying for it, so might as well use it. I also have a program through my health insurance that if I go twelve times in a month I get $20 credit towards a gift card to a store of my choice. I'm saving up for an amazon gift card to get some boots I want.

So at the gym I have been doing a warm up for about 5-10  minutes and then alternating days of doing strength training with my upper or lower body. I've been a little sore but not too bad. My semi-regular yoga must be doing something. I am not as weak as I thought I would be, especially with my upper body. So that makes me happy.

My hips are also hurting less at night and I'm sleeping better in general. More good things!

My eating is OK. Mostly I'm trying to just cut back on calories at this point without going to nuts on any particular eating plan. I scaled back on my weekly goal a bit too. I had put I wanted to lose 2 pounds per week in MyFitnessPal and that put me at about 1800 calories for the day. It was really hard for me to stay under that and when I would stay under it I was always hungry. No matter what I ate I was hungry. I hate feeling that way and I was really tearing myself down about it. Also, because I was hungry, I would binge and usually at night before bed. So I played with the goals a little bit and I have it set to 1.
5 pounds per week and I have a calorie goal of approximately 2200 calories. I still go over a little some days, but not nearly as badly (50 calories versus 500 calories). At the end of the day it's about the same amount of calories, but it isn't playing mind games with me. I feel a little bit freer in what I choose to eat and don't agonize over meals. Food should be enjoyed, not fretted over.

With that, here's a gloomy stormy picture of the mountains as I worked out this weekend. I'm off to take a hot bath and read.