Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Lots of emotions

I have been feeling very down about my weight, my attempts at getting healthier and everything that revives around it. And I figured it out tonight. I am feeling very very alone. 

I know I am not, but it is hard lately to see that. 

I ask for help from my husband and friends and I get enthusiastic responses to help. And, for the most part it falls to the wayside. I know my friends especially have their own lives, and I don't begrudge them that. 

But it feels like no one will believe me when I say I want to make it work.

The fat one is making another feeble and futile attempt. I'll fail. Just like I have been since I started dieting at age 11. 

Is this going through their heads? Probably not. My friends aren't that way. At least not without good reason.

I am just sick of feeling alone on this road. And having to care. And pick myself up and continue on when I stumble. I don't want to be carried...but a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on would be nice.
I'll find the strength somewhere and do it. I just don't know when or how.

I am also feeling pulled in two different directions primarily.

I need to lose weight for X reasons! X = healthy reasons, selfish reasons, shallow reasons, good reasons and bad reasons. Pick for X.

I need to love my body as is and by fat, sassy and happy self.

Am I happy with where my life is? Hell yes. Am I happy with me? Hell. No.

I have been reading a lot of body positivity stuff lately, and it's great! I do agree that all women need to embrace who they are physically, spiritually and emotionally. Regardless of weight, height, or race we need to embrace ourselves and our lives.

But there is a part of the body positivity movement that's a bit....nutso as well. On one side you have the skinny nuts (I won't call them health nuts) saying that "To be happy you need to be a size 0". On the other you have the body positivity group saying "Don't listen to them! You are gorgeous as you are! Do what makes you happy! Eat cake, do nothing, swim, hike, drink! But don't go by THEIR rules. Don't fight your body so hard! You're fine! <insert dismissive hand-waving here>".

Maybe I have gotten their intent wrong, but it doesn't feel that way. I have been doing what I thought would make me happy and it isn't. And I need to find the balance somewhere between these two sides. I don't think either one is 100% right.

Aside from the fact I won't be size 0 unless I get some horrible disease, I don't want to be. I am curvy and I love it. But I know with all my struggles in weight loss and the few fad diets (I have done far fewer than I could have) I have done I have screwed myself over. I have a long road ahead of me.

I guess what it comes down to, ultimately, is I want to be comfortable in my own skin again. When I first met Marshall I felt very confident and pretty. Now? Not as much.

And I am going to end this here for now. I could keep rambling on, and tonight that would lead to some dark and dreary places that I don't want to go to.


  1. I would highly recommend listening to the podcast called Half Size Me, if you haven't already begun to. It's amazing and talks about small, manageable habit changes, and just taking things one step at a time. Heather also speaks SO MUCH about being kind and compassionate toward yourself, loving yourself, and not going about weight loss in a way that will not be sustainable for the rest of your life.