Thursday, September 29, 2016

You Should Be Here

So tonight was a bit of a rough night at TOPS. It wasn't because I had a 3.5 pound gain (I chalk that up to starting strength training and this usually happens). It was because of what another member shared.

Jim (name changed for privacy) joined just very recently. It has only been 4-6 weeks since he joined us. He joined a week after having a heart scare and having a stint put in. He went into the ER on the 1st anniversary of his brother dying. He doesn't ever want to see his wife look that scared again or leave his kids and grand kids without him. He has been a bit of inspiration to us already. His goal is this next year to hike a 14-er (a 14000' mountain peak) here in Colorado. He wants to do it on the year of his heart scare, 2 year anniversary of his brothers death, and 5th anniversary of the last time he hiked a 14-er with his son.

Tonight he shared a video with us. His daughter first heard this song the day after he got out of the hospital and she thought of him. She didn't tell him right away because he doesn't like country music. When she finally did have him listen to the song he was shaken. It is "You Should Be Here" by Cole Swindell.

He wrote it when his dad died suddenly and hasn't been there to celebrate with Cole for all of his successes.The video starts with Cole calling his Dad that he just got signed to a record deal.

By the end of the video I had tears streaming down my face. It wasn't just the song, which is very touching itself. It's my own someone who should be here.

July 13, 2013

That date is the day Cole signed his contract.

That date is the day I married Marshall.

Renae should have been there.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y'all it's sure been a good year.
It's one of those moments, that's got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this
You should be here.

This October will mark 16 years since my childhood best friend died in her sleep at the age of 19.

There are so many things she has missed and should have been there for. There are so many things I should have been there for too.

College graduations. Dream trips taken. Weddings. Funerals. Failures. Successes. All of it. And it has been so damned hard.

I am so grateful to every single friend in my life. I don't take any of them for granted. I may be clingy at times, I know this. It comes from a place of caring, and knowing just how much I would miss these people in my life if they were gone. I am just grateful that the barriers to new friends I had put up have been broken down and have allowed me to make the amazing and incredible friends I have now.

And as anyone who knows me knows, I am good at putting happy face on and not showing just what's going on. Or brushing it off. Only those closest to me can see through the bullshit. Marshall is especially good at seeing through my bullshit. Which is awesome and frustrating by equal measures.

That facade shattered tonight. I broke in my TOPS meeting trying to explain why this song cut to my core.

I know I haven't truly dealt with her death. I don't talk about it or her. It's hard to, especially to anyone who didn't know her. I don't like bringing it up with anyone who did know her because I don't like feeling like I am lingering in the past. I don't want to be a burden. So I bottle it up inside. I have made it point to do my best to live in the now, not the past or the hazy someday. But the future is uncertain. The past holds hard memories and pain, but it also holds good memories.

So I came home from TOPS and walked into my husband's arms and sobbed. I sobbed in a way I haven't in years. He held me and rocked me gently as I soaked his shoulder. In the midst of my breaking at TOPS and the sobs on Marshall's shoulder I have realized I need to do better. I will be better. I need to honor Renae's memory in ways that I haven't. I need to honor myself and be healthy and let go.

Weight loss is as much mental and emotional as it is physical. I end up sabotaging myself somehow with my weight loss attempts. Usually in my fear of being diagnosed with diabetes and thinking of Renae. There are other things, but the memories of Renae and dealing with her death are at the top of the list.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. I think the physical part is going to be easier than the mental part.

With the anniversary coming up this would be a good time to try and lay some of this to rest. I am not sure how much I will post here or not. I have a hard time laying my soul bare for anyone to read. Tonight it was easier to type than try to write.

All I know is she should be here.

The day of our high school graduation.

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